Unsure

I was going to call this post "Drivel" because I have been feeling like my last few posts have been well, drivel. Is that even a word? I think it is. In my mind, while the past few posts have been on target, there was always something missing. Some element of me that was not really there. Some part of me that I was not doing a good job of communicating. I believe what I wrote, but somewhere in the writing, or the time between the inspiration and the actual writing, I got lost.

I felt like a jerk writing the post about prayer requests. I kept worrying if people were going to think that I did not care about their prayer requests. I felt cynical. I am not sure I ever really communicated what I was thinking and discovering about prayer. And as I keep writing and deleting sentences in this post I realize it is happening again. I am filtering and editing, trying not to offend or alienate.

I have become very aware that people are reading what I post here. For the most part you either know the real me or you don't know me at all so I should feel comfortable being myself. But lately, I have felt a need to filter. I think it started a few months ago when I got more involved in some leadership roles at my church. This weighs heavily on me as I write lately. It shouldn't but it does. I have not changed as a person, but I feel myself thinking about what someone from church might think if they read this. I also wonder what my non-Christian friends might feel about all this religion talk. I spend way too much time having conversations in my head explaining to so and so what I meant by such and such sentence.

I often write about my struggles as I grow in my faith, as a mom and as a member of my community but many of my struggles of late have not been things I felt I could share. I end up sharing just a portion of the thought. For example, when I wrote about Job 28 and man's search for wisdom, I did not really explain why that passage struck a cord with me. I left out the part about how much I do value wisdom, how much I wish we could spend more time talking together about things that matter in an eternal sense, and most importantly how I believe God reveals wisdom to each of us through His word. Teachers and pastors are great. But we were made with minds to think, to ponder, to struggle with ideas. Not just to accept the interpretations of others. I love to think about big ideas. And more importantly, I am capable to think about big ideas. I am capable of studying, reading and discerning what is good and true from what is false and misleading. I am not perfect at it, but when I invite God into the process, I grow. I grow in wisdom as Middle Man used to say when he was little. And that is not just true for me. It is true for everyone. We don't have to take special classes. We don't have to pass certain tests. We can all pick up the Bible, read what it says, and grow wiser.

I am not sure what to do about the filtering. Editing is good. Making sure I choose words wisely. I speak kindly. But when I find myself editing for a specific person or caring what so and so thinks, I am pretty sure I lose myself. And when I lose my true voice, the real me, what I am writing may be accurate but it is not true. And in blogging, being true is what matters.

I am a work in progress, simply trying to figure out how to best serve God with my life. As always it's complicated.

Searching for Wisdom

I am woefully behind in my Bible reading. I think I was reading the July schedule at the end of August. I spent way too much time being lazy with the kids this summer. It was a much needed break. But now that school has started it is time to buckle down and get going.

So I have been reading quickly to catch up, not necessarily even digesting every word. And yet, I still get caught by a nugget of truth I needed to hear that day. That is what I love about just reading the Bible, no Bible study questions to answer or teaching attached to the reading. Just reading. When I come to the Bible without any intent other than getting to know God and His word better, I get just that. No agenda. Just God.

Last week I was reading Job 28 where Job is talking about man mining for gold and silver, searching caves for precious stones, mining for iron and copper. He writes in verse 10, "He (mankind) tunnels through the rock; his eyes see all its treasures." First I was impressed with the way mankind even at that primitive point in history was already seeking the hidden gems found throughout the earth. And then I read verses 12 & 13:

But where can wisdom be found?
Where does understanding dwell?

Man does not comprehend its worth;
it cannot be found in the land of the living.

How quickly we are distracted by finding gems, that we stop trying to find things of real value. The iron and copper have use in tool making, but the jewels, the silver and gold were for making things more beautiful, more valuable. They did not change the purpose of the item, only the way it appeared. And yet they were using their time and creating unsafe and uncomfortable working conditions in order to gather together wealth.

I wonder what would happen to the world if we started valuing wisdom? Would we be in this recession brought on by mismanaged and unethical financial practices? Would we have a fringe church standing up to Al Qaida by burning 200 Quran? Would we have kids demanding the latest iPod and cell phone? Or grown ups thinking they needed and deserved the latest toy even if they could not afford it?

The problem with wisdom is that it is hard to mine. It requires us to let go of ourselves, our egos, our desires and connect ourselves to the source of wisdom - God. Job goes on to finish chapter 29 by writing:

Where then does wisdom come from?
Where does understanding dwell?

It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing,
concealed even from the birds of the air.

Destruction and Death say,
'Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.'

God understands the way to it
and he alone knows where it dwells,

for he views the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens.

When he established the force of the wind
and measured out the waters,

when he made a decree for the rain
and a path for the thunderstorm,

then he looked at wisdom and appraised it;
he confirmed it and tested it.

And he said to man,
'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.'

I am beginning to realize, slowly, over many years, that God is God. And the more I understand this, the more I trust His plan, His words, His deeds, the more content I am. The more I can role with the punches of life. The more I know God's word, the more I can see that He does have a plan. I may not always understand it. I may not always agree. But I am beginning to see that God is way wiser than I am, so it is better that I let Him be in charge.

Prayer Requests

You know that time at the end of Bible study when the leader opens it up to prayer requests, that time when you hope people share something meaningful and personal, something that does not end with you feeling like you are creating a wish list on Amazon that you expect God to fulfill? Maybe it is just me that has that moment of dread just before people start sharing, that moment where I hope that I don't get pulled into someone's gossip session about their annoying in laws or asking God for things that don't make sense to me. Yes, I am a prayer request judger it appears. I don't want to be. I want to be supportive. I want to lift people up in prayer and see God working through the prayers of His people. But what so often starts out as a pure moment of coming before the Lord, can often get really uncomfortable when you find yourself in a room, in prayer, and God is nowhere to be found.

I struggle with prayer. Earlier this year, I decided that I needed to take some time to really study and experiment with this whole prayer thing. I could no longer sort of sit on the sidelines of something that God clearly asks of us. So I enrolled in God's school of prayer. It has a great teacher to student ratio. 1 teacher (God): 1 student (me). He has lead me to some great resources through people I respect. He has opened my eyes to passages in my one year Bible reading that I have previously overlooked. He has shown up because I showed up in His classroom. I still have a long way to go before I would consider myself even an average student in the class. But I have learned a lot. A lot that I will be processing over the next month as I prepare to teach two lessons on prayer for the women's Bible study at my church. A lot I will be writing about and then posting once I have finished teaching (don't want my local friends to be bored during Bible study).

With everything I have read and everything I have learned, I have decided that I need to stop avoiding the prayer request. There is power in prayer. I don't know how but God tells us to pray. Jesus set the example. He prayed for God's will to be done (Matthew 6:10), he prayed for himself as he faced trials (Luke 22:42 - 44), he prayed for his followers to remain faithful (Luke 22:32).

So with that in mind, as an experiment, a part of my learning about prayer, I am asking you to pray for me as I prepare this study. The topic I am trying to share is way bigger than I can handle. Well in truth, life is more than I can handle well on my own. I need God's help. And so I ask for your prayers. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers for time to study, meditate, pray and prepare. Prayers for truth to be revealed and hearts touched and challenged. Prayers that through it all, God would be glorified. Prayers for things I don't even know I need, my favorite prayers of all. The ones that ask God to work His will in ways we cannot imagine to ask.

Thank you!

Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

I recently posted as my Facebook status:

I'm beginning to think praying without reading God's word is a lot like asking my husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?" In both cases, you will never know if the answer you got is the Truth.

This is the nugget that came after weeks of struggling with the purpose of prayer, what prayer should look like and how we seem to be so bad at prayer. It came from realizing that we spend a lot of time having one way conversations with God which may give God lots of information from us but is about as satisfactory as having a monologue with my husband. I get to use all my words, but I have no idea what he thinks or feels. There is no shared experience in a monologue. It doesn't build intimacy it just delivers information. And God doesn't need our information, He already has it. But He wants our intimacy, He wants a relationship.

But how does God speak to me? I have never heard His voice, at least not audibly. I have definitely seen His fingerprints in my thoughts, heard His spirit in a song of worship, and experienced His comfort. These are the words of God that most of us hold dear to our hearts, that we use as a reminder of God when we are in a place of doubt.

As I am reading more and more about prayer, I have been confronted by what a horrible listener I am when it comes to God. I am pretty good about allowing a few moments of quiet reflection when I pray for wisdom or guidance, hoping that God will give me the directions I need in that moment. But I am not utilizing God's actual Words enough, His written Word, His Holy letter to me. I will let days go by before I pick up my Bible and rarely do I think of it as a part of my prayer life. That the Bible is God's word to and for me. That He is speaking, quite literally, in the Bible.

I can only imagine how many times I would reread a letter my spouse gave me if I could never hear his voice again. How if my husband left me a book with instructions, words of encouragement, and the history of his creation, I would devour it over and over again just to hold him close for a few minutes.

And yet, I don't hold God's word so dear. I am learning to. I am reading the whole Bible this year with friends, though I am often off schedule and hurrying to catch back up to the schedule. I am reading. I have also committed to reading through the Bible again next year. I am doing this because I want God's word to be dear to me. I want to know it so well that it is my first place of comfort on a bad day and the first place I turn for guidance when I have a decision to make. I want to meditate on it day and night and teach it to my children. I want to know what God is saying to me, to know His word so well that I will know the Truth when I hear it and can discern the wheat from the chaff.

I never want to find out that what I thought had been God "speaking" in my head was rubbish that I did not recognize because I did not know God's voice. I want to know that the answers I hear to my prayers is the Truth.