Professional Planner

"I love it when a plan comes together." - The A Team

I agree. I am a planner by nature, a professional planner - unpaid of course. I like to think about the future and start lining things up. I like to plan and then re-plan. I like to think of all the contingencies and then make plans for those. It is how I deal with the stress of the unknown. I plan for any possible outcome.

Let me clarify though before you ask me to plan the next women's tea at church. I like to plan my family's future. I like to plan vacations. I like to think about what I would write or say in a given situation. I do not like to plan meals, find volunteers, or decorate anything. I like the big picture, defining a vision, but I am not in the details. I get lost in the details. I have learned that about myself this year.

I used to think that someday I would maybe go to seminary and possibly work in women's ministries. I can still see me going to seminary. I love going to school and learning. And I can still see me teaching in women's ministries. But after a year of being behind the scenes at my church, I have learned that I am not made to work in women's ministries. I am not made to run any program. My body, mind and heart are not wired for that kind of work. The kind of work that requires attention to detail, lots of relationships and meetings, and follow up emails.

I so love women's ministries. I love being with other women who love God or are just learning about the joy of being in relationship with God. I love women's Bible studies and retreats. And a part of me I think, was trying to figure out a plan for my life that involved me working in an area I love. Working in an area where I saw a need. I was trying to plan.

But what I have seen over the last few months is that God has a plan that does not have to involve me. He is at work in other people's lives, not just my own. He is calling other amazing women to serve Him. He is preparing hearts to take on new tasks, new challenges, new responsibilities apart from me. He does not need me here.

I have been blessed these last few months to be in a few different circles where people were separately seeking God's purpose. God's purpose for our church. God's purpose for our women. And God's purpose in some individual lives as well. Completely separately I have seen God at work in these circles. I don't know how God's plan is going to work out. I think I see glimpses of amazing things ahead. I think I see the threads binding together. But what I know for sure is God has a plan. He is at work. I don't have to rush around trying to make things work out. I don't have to plan for every contingency. I don't have to figure it all out. God has a plan.

I love it when God's plan comes together.

The Prayers of a Child

So the whole moving thing is obviously on my mind a lot. And the biggest weight right now is finding a place to live.

We recently told the kids about the move and they took it in stride. We are professional movers after all. They have been down this road before. I did find the first question they asked very telling. "When will we move back?"

We plan on this move being permanent. Not so much a permanent spot in the Bay Area because I have learned to stop saying that, but we really don't think we will be coming back to the Pacific Northwest again. This time we are selling our house. This time we are not saying, "see you in a few years." We really are saying goodbye.

The next thing they wanted to know was where would we live. Middle Man wants a three story house with an elevator. Hockey Boy really wants to be near his old friends from when we lived there 2 years ago. And that is our hope. Not necessarily the three story house but moving back to the same school.

I talked to Hockey Boy the next day about God having a plan for our lives. That God is directing our path and because He is God it will be good. And then I suggested we pray about God helping us find the "right" house. The house that God wants for us even if it is not in our old neighborhood. So we prayed and continue to pray each night before bed.

This would be a great story if it were not for the little voice in the back of my head. The voice that thinks, "Yes, let's get Hockey Boy to pray. God won't break a little boy's heart and move us away from his friends would He?" The voice that would love for God to show up in a very tangible way for my son. Part of this is a desire for my son to learn that God hears our prayers. This is a good lesson for him to learn. So am I manipulating God to have to show up by having Hockey Boy pray? Or am I really trying to turn this into a great spiritual lesson for Hockey Boy?

The great thing about God is that He will show up for Hockey Boy either way. Hockey Boy and God have their own relationship. God is taking care of Hockey Boy often through me but sometimes in spite of me. Hockey Boy is praying to God, sharing his real heart's desire. He is learning to call out to God in a time of need. And I really think he is starting to understand that the house God finds for us really will be the "right" place for us.

As I write this though, I am realizing that I need to learn that lesson. I need to know that God not only hears my prayers but that He really does have a good, kind and loving plan for my life. I need to trust Him like my little 8 year old is, no matter what answer comes.

It's just...

My husband has started his new job. He will be working from home and traveling to the Bay Area until we can move this summer. So on Monday, he got on a plane and headed off to his new job.

Later in the day we chatted about how things were going. We were texting actually, the modern version of a midday chat. He was happy. I think his exact words were, "Best work day in a long time." And I was happy for him. Really I was.

It's just...

Well it's just...

okay, the truth is a little part of me resented his happiness. A little part of me resented that he had found a job, working with his friends, doing something that he really enjoyed. A little part of me resented that he had work he loved.

I would say that I resented that he was off in the grown up world of business lunches and meetings that actually challenged your mind except I don't really want to go off to work. I like my flannel pants and having time to keep up with Hoda and Kathie Lee on the Today Show. I just wish I was enjoying the job part of my days, the taking care of my kids part.

But honestly when my four year old is telling me he hates me and is going to kick me tomorrow (why tomorrow I will never understand) I am not really enjoying my job. When Middle Man misses the bus again because he can't seem to stay on track when I go off to take a shower, I don't really like my job. And when Hockey Boy falls apart at practice because I put the wrong shirt in his bag, I don't really like my job. And it is not because my kids are being pains in those moments. They are supposed to be difficult. That is their job as kids, at least some of the time. Some of the time they are supposed to assert their desires (demands in Little Ones world). Some of the time they are supposed to lose it because they are kids.

No the part I hate is my response.

My reaction.

My frustration.

My harsh words.

I hate the person I become in those moments.

I find that I am most reactive when I am not engaged in parenting, when I am not intentional about being a mom to my boys. I have been finding myself going through the motions a lot lately. Making the breakfast, doing the laundry, helping with the homework, but part of me is distracted. Distracted by a desire for more, a desire for something of my own. Distracted.

And that is the sad part. I really do want to be engaged. I really do want to be home with my kids. I don't have any desire to go out into the world and get a job. I want this job. I just don't really like all the work involved. I don't like the hard parts. But as I spent the last two years reminding my husband, "that's why they call it work."

So yes, I am happy for my husband. I just wish I felt the same way about my job.

Is it too Early for an Ethics Class?

I was volunteering in Middle Man's classroom today. I love first grade. The kids are still so cute but they actually can have some good discussions and are able to do more on their own. It is a great age.

One of the things I love about volunteering in the classrooms is seeing what my boys are doing in school. Today I sat down next to Middle Man who was working on a special packet of work his teacher had created just for him. The worksheet he was doing involved hypothetical situations and Middle Man was supposed to figure out how he would handle the situation.

Question #1 - Your friend's pet died yesterday. What would you say to him?

My son's response - Nothing. He is not a talker. Nor is he empathetic. When I suggested he write, "I'm sorry" he looked very confused and did not want to write that because then his friend might think it was his fault. I guess "I'm sorry" is the same as saying, "I'm guilty."

Question #3 - A friend has offered to pay you to do his homework for him. What do you say to him?

My son's response - "How much will you pay me?"

I am not sure if I should be proud of his business venture or worried that he may be kicked out of school someday for breaking the honor code.