This is the final week of the (in)courage (in)RL {real life} series on Community. The final question. They have all been hard but this one really does require something of me, of us. If we say we want community and we say we are ready to be authentic and forgive and open to community, then we have to answer this question - “How do we build community right where we are, not letting circumstances limit our connections?”
In January 2010, I wrote a post with a few suggestions for making friends and building a community of your own. I miss these women!!
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Last night was my turn to host our monthly girls night out group. Since it was January, I made sure to have some veggies snacks along with homemade chocolate chip cookies. We drank greyhounds (grapefruit juice with vodka) which I got from a mutual friend who had moved away's Facebook page. I felt bad we ran out of vodka. We are not a big drinking group but almost everyone was there last night. We talked, we painted toes, we prayed for one friend's son. We hit the big topics, the silly topics. We got to know one another more deeply yet again. I found out there is a new cupcake place just one town away that I now have to try. It was a wonderful evening with a few of us hanging on until after midnight.
I write this not to make people who don't have a group like this feel bad. I have been the new person in a room at the women's spring tea listening to the speaker tell us about all her amazing friendships and being really annoyed. I don't really need to hear how much people like you. I need to know how to get friends of my own. Having moved as much as I have here is what I have learned about making friends, real friends that you can talk to and laugh with.
1) Be available. Show up. Keep showing up.
Making good friends takes time. I remember when we moved to California and I was all alone and my husband worked all the time. I was desperate for human contact with adults and this was before I discovered Facebook so I had to hang out places where other moms hang out. I joined the mom's group at our church. I hung around the preschool after pick up and started little conversations with the moms. I got discouraged at times. But I kept showing up. It took a long time but sometime in January, I was having play dates with two different families. And by the time we moved away they were two dear friends. Same thing happened in kindergarten. The room mom invited everyone over for a coffee the first week of school. I was nervous. I had Little Man who might tear up her house. I did not want to get sucked into the cult that is the PTA. But I said yes because that is how you make friends. That is how you get to know people. One of the best yeses I have ever said. What an amazing woman she is, a beacon of hope to this mom of three a little farther behind in the journey. And what an amazing group of kinder parents I got to know! Miss them all so much. So say yes. But also know that if you are the person that flakes on a group of friends enough, they may stop calling you. Or if you don't say yes the first time or two, they may think you don't want to be their friend. So say yes. Make it work. Find the time. Friendship takes face time and a length of time to grow.
2) Take the initiative. Be brave.
I was the person that did start the girls night out group that I mentioned at the start. I really wanted a girls night out group, a book club, something to get me out of the house once in a while. I kept waiting but no one invited me to join the book club. I had waited for two years in California to get invited to join a bunco group, or dinner club. Never happened. I sort of missed the boat a bit because my kids were born up north and I found that with preschoolers most of us made our friends when our kids were babies and were now busy, the groups were full. My baby friends were up north and I was alone in California. I was making a few friends through church and preschool, but even there someone has to make the first move to invite people over for coffee or out to dinner. But I think we are all a bit scared and insecure. It feels like middle school all over again. What if they don't like me. Will it be a pity yes? or even worse a no? When I moved back home I decided to make a group. I asked two friends from my church to join me, we had met in a small group years before and I was so glad to be back with my friends. They said yes, and then I asked them to think of more people from our church that might be needing some deeper connections with a small group of girls. (I do think it is funny that I still think of us as girls, though the insecurity in the initial inviting people to join our "club" made me feel like a girl.) We had some yeses, a few too busies. And our group was born. We had a plan. Meet once a month. Rotate the host. Invite new people - though we keep it to people from church who are local. I did this last month with someone I felt like I was supposed to invite but was worried because while we have been in small group for a while I was worried she might not like me. Silly me, silly insecurities. I am loving getting to know her in a different setting, a more relaxed sillier setting. Last night seven women were here while our pregnant friend was at home catching up on rest. We are growing together. We are supporting one another. We are loving each other. Don't get mad at us that we did not ask you to join us. If you know us, ask, we love new people. Or better yet, start a group. Find one friend and go from there. Take the initiative! Don't sit back and wait for the invitation.
3) Be yourself. Be truthful. Be real. Be authentic.
It is so much faster to get to know someone when you actually are getting to know who they really are. Now there are times and places for this. I don't need to share my love of reality tv and twitter with my Bible study small group at church. But I have to be myself with the people I really want to come alongside me. I fight this sometimes because I know that my real self can be a bit brash at first. I grow on people like I wrote here and sometimes I want to make a good first impression. Which is funny because it rarely works because sooner or later my foot in mouth, loud, brash but deeply caring personality will come shining through. But I also know that being real with people builds connections. Just this week I saw a friend carrying a set of the Twilight books in a bag because someone had just returned them to her (not because she is a nutcase). This is a friend who I have shared in many numerous theological and parenting conversations but I did not know she was a fellow Twilight addict. And in knowing that I felt a kinship that I did not before. I also had a friend recently hit the "like" button on one of my more spiritual status update. She was someone I had no idea even thought about spiritual things. Now there is an opening for a conversation.
So those are my hints. I have been lucky enough to move around a lot and get to make some amazing new friends. Though I have also been unlucky in that I have moved around a lot and have had to say goodbye to many wonderful friends. Which is why I love Facebook, blogs, email and Christmas cards. I worked hard at times to make my friends. I am not letting them go without a fight!
*****
Friday, October 5, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
(WednesDAY of Faith) Jesus: Love Me - Storytelling
I taught the Bible study this week at our mom's group at church. We are spending the year studying Encounters with Jesus and I taught this week that Jesus: Loves Me. I will be using the next few Wednesdays to post what I taught.
Part 1 - Storytelling
You know that moment when the story sneaks through your ribs and squeezes your heart tight for a second and you know that it was meant for you. The world for you changes in that moment.
True stories are wonderful. It is encouraging to hear testimonies, to know that I am not alone in my feelings, my experiences. But sometimes I get caught up in the details of the other persons' story. I lose sight of the real truth while analyzing how different I am from the person giving the testimony, how their experience is different because of the details.
This is one of the reasons I love fiction and have begun writing novels. I love having my blog as a place to write about what I am learning, how God is working in my life, but there is something incredibly freeing about writing fiction, to tell the truth without worrying about hurt feelings or fact checking - to just tell the story. I love to read fiction as well. I love books that are comfortable, that remind me of truths I believe. I love a good romance where pride and prejudice are taken down by unexpected love. I like stories of friendships that have people rising up to care for one another, where love conquers all. I like stories of good defeating evil after an epic battle that reminds us that we need to do the right thing.
But then there are stories that make me see something in a new way, that change the way I view the world, or my corner of it. Books that introduce me to new worlds or new ideas. I remember reading the Hunger Games and having my mind shocked by the story but even more so by how easily our world could turn on one another, how propaganda and fear and our survival instincts can turn children against each other.
One of the things I love about Luke is the stories Jesus tells. During Jesus’ ministry, the time between the baby Jesus story and the Jesus on the Cross story, he spent time healing the sick, preaching on the Mount, building relationships and telling stories. Luke 15 includes three stories that Jesus tells. The first two verses set the scene for us.
The other group listening was the righteous, at least that is how they saw themselves - the teachers of the law, the Pharisees. They followed God’s laws even more than God himself had required of them.
These two groups of people were gathered together listening to this man Jesus and instead of explaining himself, instead of telling why he was eating with sinners he told three stories.
Jesus begins with two stories, simple ones that everyone could relate to.
Luke 15: 2 - 10
Honestly, the value of the item is not determined by its monetary worth, but by my willingness to keep searching, to continue pursuing after what is lost even at a cost to myself.
Jesus tells these two stories of chasing down the lost, pursuing the sheep that wandered away, of finding the coin that was lost in its own home, to remind us how much the Father loves us, the lost. It is the pursuit that shows our value. And God will keep looking for us until we are found.
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so...”
I sang that song in Sunday school as a small child and I believed it - wholly. If you had asked me about Jesus as a small girl, I would have known that he loved me, that he saved me, that he lived in my heart. I would have told you about the love of the shepherd for the lost sheep, that God will pursue us into the wilderness. I knew my value as a child of God.
Do you know that Jesus loves you, the person reading this right now? Do you believe it?
Part 1 - Storytelling
You know that moment when the story sneaks through your ribs and squeezes your heart tight for a second and you know that it was meant for you. The world for you changes in that moment.
True stories are wonderful. It is encouraging to hear testimonies, to know that I am not alone in my feelings, my experiences. But sometimes I get caught up in the details of the other persons' story. I lose sight of the real truth while analyzing how different I am from the person giving the testimony, how their experience is different because of the details.
This is one of the reasons I love fiction and have begun writing novels. I love having my blog as a place to write about what I am learning, how God is working in my life, but there is something incredibly freeing about writing fiction, to tell the truth without worrying about hurt feelings or fact checking - to just tell the story. I love to read fiction as well. I love books that are comfortable, that remind me of truths I believe. I love a good romance where pride and prejudice are taken down by unexpected love. I like stories of friendships that have people rising up to care for one another, where love conquers all. I like stories of good defeating evil after an epic battle that reminds us that we need to do the right thing.
But then there are stories that make me see something in a new way, that change the way I view the world, or my corner of it. Books that introduce me to new worlds or new ideas. I remember reading the Hunger Games and having my mind shocked by the story but even more so by how easily our world could turn on one another, how propaganda and fear and our survival instincts can turn children against each other.
One of the things I love about Luke is the stories Jesus tells. During Jesus’ ministry, the time between the baby Jesus story and the Jesus on the Cross story, he spent time healing the sick, preaching on the Mount, building relationships and telling stories. Luke 15 includes three stories that Jesus tells. The first two verses set the scene for us.
Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”Jesus' audience was made up of two groups of people - the sinners and the religious. The tax collectors, the sinners, were Jews who had betrayed their own people by working for the Romans. Not only did they collect taxes but they typically demanded more than was due. They stole from their own people on the authority of their oppressor. They were seen as some of the worst sinners and yet, Jesus ate with them.
The other group listening was the righteous, at least that is how they saw themselves - the teachers of the law, the Pharisees. They followed God’s laws even more than God himself had required of them.
These two groups of people were gathered together listening to this man Jesus and instead of explaining himself, instead of telling why he was eating with sinners he told three stories.
Jesus begins with two stories, simple ones that everyone could relate to.
Luke 15: 2 - 10
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
“Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”I have lost things before and to be honest, the amount I time I spend searching for it depends on the items value to me. My cell phone... I will look for hours, trekking back to places I have left to find it. A lost library book... well, I might look through the house once or twice. I will check under the seats of the car. I will ask my kids to look again. But at some point, I am willing to give up and pay the $35 for the lost Billy the Kid biography we checked out for a school project.
Honestly, the value of the item is not determined by its monetary worth, but by my willingness to keep searching, to continue pursuing after what is lost even at a cost to myself.
Jesus tells these two stories of chasing down the lost, pursuing the sheep that wandered away, of finding the coin that was lost in its own home, to remind us how much the Father loves us, the lost. It is the pursuit that shows our value. And God will keep looking for us until we are found.
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so...”
I sang that song in Sunday school as a small child and I believed it - wholly. If you had asked me about Jesus as a small girl, I would have known that he loved me, that he saved me, that he lived in my heart. I would have told you about the love of the shepherd for the lost sheep, that God will pursue us into the wilderness. I knew my value as a child of God.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Motherhood Mondays - I Can't Make the Bullies Be Nice
Last year I was the classroom reader for our school's anti-bullying program, Project Cornerstone, for my two older boys' classrooms. This meant that once a month, I would go and read a picture book to their class and talk about the lessons we learned from the book.
We read books about how we fill each other's invisible buckets by being kind and helping one another. We also sometimes dip in someone's bucket by name calling or being mean.
We read books about not taking the bait when people try to catch us in their mean comments. We learned to walk away, distract, or make a joke while avoiding chomping down on the hook.
We read books about spreading gossip and standing up for one another. We talked about sticking together, getting help, and knowing the difference between tattling and telling.
And yet, each month the kids would look at me and ask the same basic question, "How can we get the bullies to stop?"
We talked about people sometimes using bully behaviors because they were sad or insecure. The kids understood this. No, what they were really asking was how do we get bullies, those mean spirited, destructive, gloating and controlling, to stop. So I had to tell them the sad truth - bullies exist and I cannot make them be nice.
Bullying doesn't stop when they grow up either. I have seen adults try to bully other people. I have used this blog to call out the bullies, the bullshit, when needed. But I cannot make people be nice. I wish I could but I can't.
And so I told the students the same thing I have taught my boys. You cannot control the other person, you can only control your response. You cannot make the other person stop being mean, but you can remove yourself from the situation.
I came face to face with bullying last year. My oldest, Hockey Boy, had a kid on his team who put him down, made fun of him when he left the locker room, and didn't want to be his partner. I did not like that other kid. I was angry and hurt. But my son, my dear sweet boy, did not even realize he was being bullied. He gave the other kid the benefit of the doubt and when the other kid was having a bad day, my kid skated away, he found a safe place to be and got down practice. He did not let this bully distract him from his game, from his love of hockey.
I thought my kid was just clueless, not to know what was going on, but maybe he was clueless because he choose not to let someone else's behaviors define him. Maybe he had made a decision to use some of the tools he learned to not take the bait. Maybe he was confident in himself and his friendships to know he is valuable and loved no matter what some kid on his hockey team says.
I wish this was a story with a happy ending, one where the two boys become best friends. They did not. And at some point the other boy became physical with my son so we had to step in and get more adults involved in keeping my boy safe, including the other child's parents. It was uncomfortable at times and I was always a little anxious during practice that something might happen. But my son amazed me. He got help from the coaches when he needed it but otherwise he stay focused on why he was there - to get better at the game he loves. He never once didn't want to go to practice. This one bully was not going to define his day.
Oh how I wish I as an adult was better about letting the negativity flow off my back like water off a duck, like my son who didn't let this one boy ruin his fun.
*****
Turns out I am not the only one writing about parenting on Mondays so I thought I would join in on the Parent 'Hood fun.
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Turns out I am not the only one writing about parenting on Mondays so I thought I would join in on the Parent 'Hood fun.
Friday, September 28, 2012
From the Archives - Community: Finding It In Unexpected Places
(in)courage is doing a (in)RL {real life} Check-In Series on community. It is topic near and dear to my heart and one I have written about often. With all the editing and writing I am doing for the book, I decided to sneak back into the archives again for this post on Community. It is in response to this week's question “How do we build local community: some practical ideas.”
This was originally posted in June 2011 while I was living in Oregon. Our smallish suburb has grown a bit by moving to the Bay Area and yet, I am still a creature of habit who likes to get to know my baristas, librarians, and the people who are around me.
*****
I live in a smallish suburb. Not too small where everyone knows everyone's name but small enough that you run into the same people lots of places in town. I often find one of my kids tugging on my hand after church or at the library saying, "let's go" or Little One's favorite, "you're talking forever." When you first move to a new town, everyone is a stranger. But the more you frequent the same spots, the more you get to know people at preschool drop off or the library story time, you slowly begin to build community in unexpected places. Here are a few of my favorite unexpected favorite places...
Starbucks is the obvious first choice for me. I like to go to the same Starbucks every time. You know you are finally a regular when they know your drink order before you say a word. My Starbucks knows me well enough that I have had friends go in and order my drink and the barista will ask if that is for Jen? I have to say that I think my Starbucks has the best baristas (though in all honesty I will probably think that about our new Starbucks in California as soon as they know my drink.) I also run into so many people in the Starbucks line and love the opportunity to chat for a bit while waiting for our coffees.
The grocery store is another great place to see people. The joke at our house is if we are in a hurry send my husband because if I go to the store it might take a while depending on how many people I run into that I know. Who knew Safeway was such a great place to catch up? Even if I do not see anyone I know from outside of Safeway, I have slowly gotten to know a couple of the checkers. Okay I don't really KNOW them but I can tell if they are having a good day or need an extra smile from me.
The YMCA is another great place to build community. Mind you it is a community of people with headphones in their ears, reading magazines while running or elipticalling next to one another. Occasionally I will run into a friend at the Y. This last set of swim lessons for the kids I got to enjoy reconnecting with someone I knew from a mom's group years ago. But most of my community is faces I see but people I never speak to. If you go at the same time often enough you start to know the rhythms of the the people around you. The people I see each time I go and wonder if they are okay if I have not seen them for a while.
Maybe it helps that I am a creature of habit. We go through the McDonalds drive thru most Tuesday evenings for the $1.25 Happy Meals. (Before you judge we get apple dippers in at least one of the bags and everyone gets milk.) So I should not be surprised when the lady working the drive thru recognizes me and smiles. She also knows to double check that the hamburgers are plain and to give me straws for the milk which is an added bonus being a regular.
This is part of the community I will miss when we move.
What unexpected place have you found community?
*****
This was originally posted in June 2011 while I was living in Oregon. Our smallish suburb has grown a bit by moving to the Bay Area and yet, I am still a creature of habit who likes to get to know my baristas, librarians, and the people who are around me.
*****
I live in a smallish suburb. Not too small where everyone knows everyone's name but small enough that you run into the same people lots of places in town. I often find one of my kids tugging on my hand after church or at the library saying, "let's go" or Little One's favorite, "you're talking forever." When you first move to a new town, everyone is a stranger. But the more you frequent the same spots, the more you get to know people at preschool drop off or the library story time, you slowly begin to build community in unexpected places. Here are a few of my favorite unexpected favorite places...
Starbucks is the obvious first choice for me. I like to go to the same Starbucks every time. You know you are finally a regular when they know your drink order before you say a word. My Starbucks knows me well enough that I have had friends go in and order my drink and the barista will ask if that is for Jen? I have to say that I think my Starbucks has the best baristas (though in all honesty I will probably think that about our new Starbucks in California as soon as they know my drink.) I also run into so many people in the Starbucks line and love the opportunity to chat for a bit while waiting for our coffees.
The grocery store is another great place to see people. The joke at our house is if we are in a hurry send my husband because if I go to the store it might take a while depending on how many people I run into that I know. Who knew Safeway was such a great place to catch up? Even if I do not see anyone I know from outside of Safeway, I have slowly gotten to know a couple of the checkers. Okay I don't really KNOW them but I can tell if they are having a good day or need an extra smile from me.
The YMCA is another great place to build community. Mind you it is a community of people with headphones in their ears, reading magazines while running or elipticalling next to one another. Occasionally I will run into a friend at the Y. This last set of swim lessons for the kids I got to enjoy reconnecting with someone I knew from a mom's group years ago. But most of my community is faces I see but people I never speak to. If you go at the same time often enough you start to know the rhythms of the the people around you. The people I see each time I go and wonder if they are okay if I have not seen them for a while.
Maybe it helps that I am a creature of habit. We go through the McDonalds drive thru most Tuesday evenings for the $1.25 Happy Meals. (Before you judge we get apple dippers in at least one of the bags and everyone gets milk.) So I should not be surprised when the lady working the drive thru recognizes me and smiles. She also knows to double check that the hamburgers are plain and to give me straws for the milk which is an added bonus being a regular.
This is part of the community I will miss when we move.
What unexpected place have you found community?
*****
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