Equilibrium

Remember that post I wrote about being back to writing?

And then nothing.

Yeah, about that. 

When I wrote that post, work had been going well for a couple of weeks. I wasn't falling asleep as soon as I sat down at the end of the day. My brain wasn't turning off as I left work because I was mentally exhausted from battling all day long. The sun was shining. And I had taken a couple of long naps that weekend. 

I had found my equilibrium. My life felt balanced. 

And then Monday happened. New students. Old students. New conflicts. Old conflicts. My equilibrium had been lost out to the war of opposing forces. And by Wednesday the day ended with me wanting to put my head down on my desk and cry (I didn't). 

I don't like that feeling. Of being out of balance. 

But a wise man reminded me that it is the newness of each day that makes the job fun. 

Fun? 

In the moment, it didn't feel like fun. As I was dealing with a student saying vulgar things about me, it didn't feel like fun. As I listened to the grumblings of not wanting to do the work and the "You're forcin' it, Miss Jen," it didn't feel like fun. As I redirected the same students for the tenth time in five minutes to quiet down and get back to silent reading, it didn't feel like fun. 

Fun? No. It was hard and overwhelming and exhausting and just too much. 

And so I had nothing to write. Nor any energy to write it. 

But as I let all the frustration process and I tried a new tactic with my chatty class and I stayed consistent with my classroom management plan and I "faked it" until I "made it" I found something. It's not much, but it is something.

Equilibrium is nice. Balance is nice. But after a while it gets too comfortable. Too nice.

Growth comes not in the equilibrium itself but in finding that balance. In doing the hard work. In being uncomfortable and then working toward a new equilibrium.

So I will find my way. Slowly, step by step. I will find a new balance, a new equilibrium. And when I do I will rest up and enjoy the moment. I will laugh and celebrate the simple victories.

And then I will get ready for the next challenge.