Last night was my turn to host our monthly girls night out group. Since it was January, I made sure to have some veggies snacks along with homemade chocolate chip cookies. We drank greyhounds (grapefruit juice with vodka) which I got from a mutual friend who had moved away's Facebook page. I felt bad we ran out of vodka. We are not a big drinking group but almost everyone was there last night. We talked, we painted toes, we prayed for one friend's son. We hit the big topics, the silly topics. We got to know one another more deeply yet again. I found out there is a new cupcake place just one town away that I now have to try. It was a wonderful evening with a few of us hanging on until after midnight.
I write this not to make people who don't have a group like this feel bad. I have been the new person in a room at the women's spring tea listening to the speaker tell us about all her amazing friendships and being really annoyed. I don't really need to hear how much people like you. I need to know how to get friends of my own. Having moved as much as I have here is what I have learned about making friends, real friends that you can talk to and laugh with.
1) Be available. Show up. Keep showing up.
Making good friends takes time. I remember when we moved to California and I was all alone and my husband worked all the time. I was desperate for human contact with adults and this was before I discovered Facebook so I had to hang out places where other moms hang out. I joined the mom's group at our church. I hung around the preschool after pick up and started little conversations with the moms. I got discouraged at times. But I kept showing up. It took a long time but sometime in January, I was having play dates with two different families. And by the time we moved away they were two dear friends. Same thing happened in kindergarten. The room mom invited everyone over for a coffee the first week of school. I was nervous. I had Little Man who might tear up her house. I did not want to get sucked into the cult that is the PTA. But I said yes because that is how you make friends. That is how you get to know people. One of the best yeses I have ever said. What an amazing woman she is, a beacon of hope to this mom of three a little farther behind in the journey. And what an amazing group of kinder parents I got to know! Miss them all so much. So say yes. But also know that if you are the person that flakes on a group of friends enough, they may stop calling you. Or if you don't say yes the first time or two, they may think you don't want to be their friend. So say yes. Make it work. Find the time. Friendship takes face time and a length of time to grow.
2) Take the initiative. Be brave.
I was the person that did start the girls night out group that I mentioned at the start. I really wanted a girls night out group, a book club, something to get me out of the house once in a while. I kept waiting but no one invited me to join the book club. I had waited for two years in California to get invited to join a bunco group, or dinner club. Never happened. I sort of missed the boat a bit because my kids were born up north and I found that with preschoolers most of us made our friends when our kids were babies and were now busy, the groups were full. My baby friends were up north and I was alone in California. I was making a few friends through church and preschool, but even there someone has to make the first move to invite people over for coffee or out to dinner. But I think we are all a bit scared and insecure. It feels like middle school all over again. What if they don't like me. Will it be a pity yes? or even worse a no? When I moved back home I decided to make a group. I asked two friends from my church to join me, we had met in a small group years before and I was so glad to be back with my friends. They said yes, and then I asked them to think of more people from our church that might be needing some deeper connections with a small group of girls. (I do think it is funny that I still think of us as girls, though the insecurity in the initial inviting people to join our "club" made me feel like a girl.) We had some yeses, a few too busies. And our group was born. We had a plan. Meet once a month. Rotate the host. Invite new people - though we keep it to people from church who are local. I did this last month with someone I felt like I was supposed to invite but was worried because while we have been in small group for a while I was worried she might not like me. Silly me, silly insecurities. I am loving getting to know her in a different setting, a more relaxed sillier setting. Last night seven women were here while our pregnant friend was at home catching up on rest. We are growing together. We are supporting one another. We are loving each other. Don't get mad at us that we did not ask you to join us. If you know us, ask, we love new people. Or better yet, start a group. Find one friend and go from there. Take the initiative! Don't sit back and wait for the invitation.
3) Be yourself. Be truthful. Be real. Be authentic.
It is so much faster to get to know someone when you actually are getting to know who they really are. Now there are times and places for this. I don't need to share my love of reality tv and twitter with my Bible study small group at church. But I have to be myself with the people I really want to come alongside me. I fight this sometimes because I know that my real self can be a bit brash at first. I grow on people like I wrote here and sometimes I want to make a good first impression. Which is funny because it rarely works because sooner or later my foot in mouth, loud, brash but deeply caring personality will come shining through. But I also know that being real with people builds connections. Just this week I saw a friend carrying a set of the Twilight books in a bag because someone had just returned them to her (not because she is a nutcase). This is a friend who I have shared in many numerous theological and parenting conversations but I did not know she was a fellow Twilight addict. And in knowing that I felt a kinship that I did not before. I also had a friend recently hit the "like" button on one of my more spiritual status update. She was someone I had no idea even thought about spiritual things. Now there is an opening for a conversation.
So those are my hints. I have been lucky enough to move around a lot and get to make some amazing new friends. Though I have also been unlucky in that I have moved around a lot and have had to say goodbye to many wonderful friends. Which is why I love Facebook, blogs, email and Christmas cards. I worked hard at times to make my friends. I am not letting them go without a fight!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Whiplash of the Mind
I was recently looking over my Facebook status updates and was amazed at how divergent they can be. Here are a few of my recent missives:
That was over four days but could have easily have been written in a few hours. My mind jumps quickly at times between subjects and goes from the mundane, to the eccentric, to the silly, to the deeply spiritual and back again in a matter of minutes. I have friends who are like this and when we talk... well I can only imagine the poor people sitting next to us in Starbucks. Our conversation can cause whiplash.
Thankfully my husband has learned that their are connections between each thought, even if he can't figure out what they are and needs them explained. Though now he usually just trusts that what I am saying makes sense in my mind and goes with the flow of the conversation. I know I am not the only one like this with a mind that moves thoughts around quickly and randomly, letting them collide together and creating new ideas. I have found many kindred spirits.
I love that I can talk about what happened on Grey's Anatomy in one sentence and the theological idea of election in the next. That I read books on prayer written over a hundred years ago, and mommy blogs and silly twitter updates of people that make me smile.
So please don't mind the whiplash that might occasionally occur on this blog. I honestly use this blog to get all the thoughts that are swirling around my head on any given day out of my head and onto "paper" hoping that I can then release that idea for a while.
Oh and let me say that I watched part of the State of the Union speech with the drinking game rules in front of me. So glad I was not playing with actual liquor! President Obama said the word "jobs" a lot. Though because I am who I am, I also listened to the speech because I enjoy government and a reasonable political discussion, not that those happen much anymore. I could start quoting my favorite lines now but will save those for another day.
See, whiplash.
I want an iPad! - Yesterday (Wednesday)
Just read the Huffington Posts rules for the State of the Union drinking game. That looks more dangerous than the Robin Shebowski one. - Tuesday
Was rushing the kids through dinner thinking we were late only to arrive at basketball practice 15 minutes early. - Monday
I am not sure what God is going to do with my obedience to His whispers but I have been really encouraged this week. But that is when it is easy to be obedient, when you are getting lots of good feedback. Praying that I can say yes Lord even when the world's response is silence. - Sunday
That was over four days but could have easily have been written in a few hours. My mind jumps quickly at times between subjects and goes from the mundane, to the eccentric, to the silly, to the deeply spiritual and back again in a matter of minutes. I have friends who are like this and when we talk... well I can only imagine the poor people sitting next to us in Starbucks. Our conversation can cause whiplash.
Thankfully my husband has learned that their are connections between each thought, even if he can't figure out what they are and needs them explained. Though now he usually just trusts that what I am saying makes sense in my mind and goes with the flow of the conversation. I know I am not the only one like this with a mind that moves thoughts around quickly and randomly, letting them collide together and creating new ideas. I have found many kindred spirits.
I love that I can talk about what happened on Grey's Anatomy in one sentence and the theological idea of election in the next. That I read books on prayer written over a hundred years ago, and mommy blogs and silly twitter updates of people that make me smile.
So please don't mind the whiplash that might occasionally occur on this blog. I honestly use this blog to get all the thoughts that are swirling around my head on any given day out of my head and onto "paper" hoping that I can then release that idea for a while.
Oh and let me say that I watched part of the State of the Union speech with the drinking game rules in front of me. So glad I was not playing with actual liquor! President Obama said the word "jobs" a lot. Though because I am who I am, I also listened to the speech because I enjoy government and a reasonable political discussion, not that those happen much anymore. I could start quoting my favorite lines now but will save those for another day.
See, whiplash.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Younger Son
I have all these great books on prayer I want to read, but then I joined a group of girlfriends in reading the whole Bible in 2010. Which is something I have been wanting to do for a while but really does take some discipline because when I get lazy and skip a day or two, the catch up reading can take quite a bit of time. Today we finish Genesis which has been a fascinating read. I am also doing a new Bible study at church on the life of David. I am finding some great nuggets of truth but the reason I love reading the whole Bible is that I get a sense of the WHOLE story. Today as I did both my Bible study reading on David's anointing by Samuel and also the story of Jacob's blessing of Joseph's sons is how God so often chose the younger son over his older brothers. For Seth, Adam's third son, that was necessity after Cain his first born kills his brother Abel. It is Seth's name that is registered in the genealogy from Adam to Noah in Genesis 5:3. Later in Genesis 27 we read the story of Jacob and Rebekah deceiving Isaac to get the father's blessing for Jacob the younger. I am not sure why they felt the need to deceive because in Genesis 25:23 it says,
Again and again we will see the younger brother being chosen over the older brother. Joseph and the coat of many colors, his brothers resented so much that they sold him into slavery and told his father Jacob he had been killed. Later when they are reunited in Egypt and Jacob is on his death bed blessed Joseph's two oldest sons Manasseh and Ephraim, in that blessing he intentionally placed the second born Ephraim ahead of the first born. In I Samuel 16 we see the Lord telling Samuel to go down to Jesse's family and to anoint the one the Lord chooses. The seven oldest sons are brought before him but none of them is the chosen one. It is not until David, a younger brother is brought from the fields where he was tending sheep, that Samuel hears the Lord say, "Rise and anoint him, he is the one."
I have heard all these storied separately. All the stories of younger brothers chosen by God or preferred by their father. The jealousy they feel, the resentment that is very real as they are overlooked in a time when being first born was tantamount to all. I don't know why God went against the cultural norms so often. Why he chose the least among them at times. I do know that when God calls the unexpected, the weak, the faltering, to greatness, the fruit of their work can only be attributed to God. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he (the Lord) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" We may not be the most worthy of God's calling, but we don't need to be. Because God's power is so much greater than our weakness.
The other thing I find fascinating about these stories is the forgiveness that the victims have for their brothers. Esau was so angry at Jacob when he found out that Jacob had deceived their father and stolen his blessing. Jacob had to flee from Esau's anger. But later we find them reunited together, with Esau having forgiven Jacob. Joseph weeps when he sees his brothers for the first time in Egypt where Joseph has been put in charge of the grain distribution. And in the end of Genesis when his brothers ask for his forgiveness after the death of their father Jacob, Joseph answers them,
Reading these stories as a whole, having the two, my one year Bible reading and my separate Bible study, layering together, shows me more of God's story of redemption. It started not on the cross with an unexpected man, experiencing unfair pain, to forgive an undeserving people. It started at the beginning. And over and over again throughout the Bible I see stories pointing to the redeeming work of Jesus.
The Lord said to her,
"Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger."
Again and again we will see the younger brother being chosen over the older brother. Joseph and the coat of many colors, his brothers resented so much that they sold him into slavery and told his father Jacob he had been killed. Later when they are reunited in Egypt and Jacob is on his death bed blessed Joseph's two oldest sons Manasseh and Ephraim, in that blessing he intentionally placed the second born Ephraim ahead of the first born. In I Samuel 16 we see the Lord telling Samuel to go down to Jesse's family and to anoint the one the Lord chooses. The seven oldest sons are brought before him but none of them is the chosen one. It is not until David, a younger brother is brought from the fields where he was tending sheep, that Samuel hears the Lord say, "Rise and anoint him, he is the one."
I have heard all these storied separately. All the stories of younger brothers chosen by God or preferred by their father. The jealousy they feel, the resentment that is very real as they are overlooked in a time when being first born was tantamount to all. I don't know why God went against the cultural norms so often. Why he chose the least among them at times. I do know that when God calls the unexpected, the weak, the faltering, to greatness, the fruit of their work can only be attributed to God. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he (the Lord) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" We may not be the most worthy of God's calling, but we don't need to be. Because God's power is so much greater than our weakness.
The other thing I find fascinating about these stories is the forgiveness that the victims have for their brothers. Esau was so angry at Jacob when he found out that Jacob had deceived their father and stolen his blessing. Jacob had to flee from Esau's anger. But later we find them reunited together, with Esau having forgiven Jacob. Joseph weeps when he sees his brothers for the first time in Egypt where Joseph has been put in charge of the grain distribution. And in the end of Genesis when his brothers ask for his forgiveness after the death of their father Jacob, Joseph answers them,
Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." Genesis 50:19 - 21
Reading these stories as a whole, having the two, my one year Bible reading and my separate Bible study, layering together, shows me more of God's story of redemption. It started not on the cross with an unexpected man, experiencing unfair pain, to forgive an undeserving people. It started at the beginning. And over and over again throughout the Bible I see stories pointing to the redeeming work of Jesus.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Problem Solving
You know how women supposedly complain that all men want to do is solve their problems. That their men don't listen to them. That they just want to be heard and validated. That if men just listened to us all would be right in the world. Funny thing is that we women do that too. We problem solve. And often we problem solve using our own experiences that may have nothing to do with the other person's actual problem. And we are adamant and often emotional in our "helpful" advice.
I had been processing the idea of trying to control my situation instead of letting God control my situation a few weeks ago after something stuck out to me in a Bible Study I was doing. Immediately I realized that I keep trying to control my husband's behavior, attitude and priorities. We have been having the same fight for the last thirteen years. I think he works too much and he thinks I don't understand that he really does need to work the long hours. Most likely we are both right at different times. It is not a huge fight. Our marriage is not in trouble. But it is something I want to control. I want my husband to agree with me and get home earlier. I could go on and on about how I think my husband is not stepping up to the plate or prioritizing his family, except I really can't. Because truthfully I only know how God is working in my life. I know how I act out my priorities but my husband may share the exact same priorities and act them out differently, and probably in a way that to me looks like he does not even care about our priorities. But I know that my husband does seek to do God's will in his life. I know that my husband is a man of strong convictions.
I say all this because recently I was with a group of women a question came up about areas of our lives where we need God. I said my marriage. I did not go in to a lot of detail at all because the question was not how does your marriage suck. Which mine doesn't. But apparently to some of these women my simply saying I need God in my marriage because I am learning that I cannot control my husband which makes me realize I have to rely on God, means that my marriage must be on the rocks. Because the next few comments were directed at me with some really basic marriage advice along the lines of making sure you are listening, repeat what the person is saying, really basic communication techniques. And I got really frustrated. Because they were giving me advice that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying. They were trying to solve a problem. A problem that does not exist. Because they took what I said, put it through their filter, came to a conclusion and offered advice that worked for them. They were well intentioned. Their advice would be good advice for the right situation. But I walked away annoyed. Because I was not heard.
And the really painful part of this whole lesson is that I am sure I am the biggest offender. As my pastor always says, "I am the problem". I love to dispense advice. I often think that I can solve my friends' problems and it is not until they have gone on their way that I realize that I did not even really listen to them. I often want to call my friends up about five minutes after they leave and apologize for giving them solutions instead of listening to their hearts. I don't of course. Because I am not the bigger person.
So while I sat there all annoyed at women who were probably earnestly trying to help I really should have been listening. Not necessarily to what they said but to what I needed to hear from my friend. So that next time I can do that for another friend when they share their heartfelt need for God.
On a totally God note, I ended up reading Matthew 23 tonight with my boys because that is where we our in our journey to read the New Testament this year. I actually paused from writing this to read it to the boys since my husband is on a trip this week. Funny enough it was all about the evils of hypocrisy. "Woe to you teachers of the law and Pharisees. You hypocrites!"
I had been processing the idea of trying to control my situation instead of letting God control my situation a few weeks ago after something stuck out to me in a Bible Study I was doing. Immediately I realized that I keep trying to control my husband's behavior, attitude and priorities. We have been having the same fight for the last thirteen years. I think he works too much and he thinks I don't understand that he really does need to work the long hours. Most likely we are both right at different times. It is not a huge fight. Our marriage is not in trouble. But it is something I want to control. I want my husband to agree with me and get home earlier. I could go on and on about how I think my husband is not stepping up to the plate or prioritizing his family, except I really can't. Because truthfully I only know how God is working in my life. I know how I act out my priorities but my husband may share the exact same priorities and act them out differently, and probably in a way that to me looks like he does not even care about our priorities. But I know that my husband does seek to do God's will in his life. I know that my husband is a man of strong convictions.
I say all this because recently I was with a group of women a question came up about areas of our lives where we need God. I said my marriage. I did not go in to a lot of detail at all because the question was not how does your marriage suck. Which mine doesn't. But apparently to some of these women my simply saying I need God in my marriage because I am learning that I cannot control my husband which makes me realize I have to rely on God, means that my marriage must be on the rocks. Because the next few comments were directed at me with some really basic marriage advice along the lines of making sure you are listening, repeat what the person is saying, really basic communication techniques. And I got really frustrated. Because they were giving me advice that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying. They were trying to solve a problem. A problem that does not exist. Because they took what I said, put it through their filter, came to a conclusion and offered advice that worked for them. They were well intentioned. Their advice would be good advice for the right situation. But I walked away annoyed. Because I was not heard.
And the really painful part of this whole lesson is that I am sure I am the biggest offender. As my pastor always says, "I am the problem". I love to dispense advice. I often think that I can solve my friends' problems and it is not until they have gone on their way that I realize that I did not even really listen to them. I often want to call my friends up about five minutes after they leave and apologize for giving them solutions instead of listening to their hearts. I don't of course. Because I am not the bigger person.
So while I sat there all annoyed at women who were probably earnestly trying to help I really should have been listening. Not necessarily to what they said but to what I needed to hear from my friend. So that next time I can do that for another friend when they share their heartfelt need for God.
On a totally God note, I ended up reading Matthew 23 tonight with my boys because that is where we our in our journey to read the New Testament this year. I actually paused from writing this to read it to the boys since my husband is on a trip this week. Funny enough it was all about the evils of hypocrisy. "Woe to you teachers of the law and Pharisees. You hypocrites!"
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