Both my husband and I have a sibling that is married but does not have kids. Both these couples made a choice at some point in their marriages, years ago, to not have kids. For both these couples it was a choice not a result of infertility. It is a choice I can really understand.
I love my kids but they are wearing me out. They are not doing anything unusual, just being normal kids, but I am feeling overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.
I love my kids but there are days when I wish I could be the old me, the before kids me, that slept in and hung out at coffee shops with my husband.
I love my kids but somedays I just want to hop on a plane to London and run away from it all for a week or two. Not forever because I know I would miss them but I would love to actually miss them because I was not with them all the time.
I love my kids but I don't know that I like the mirror effect they have reflecting all the yucky parts of me right back at me. Before kids, I could live in a bubble where I was a basically good human being. When things outside myself got hard or yucky, I could hide out in myself, in my house and avoid the rest of the world. I can't do that anymore because they follow me into the house. They follow me into my bathroom if I forget to close all the doors in my bedroom. I cannot avoid the uncomfortable parts of life or myself anymore because I have walking mirrors following me everywhere I go. They are awfully cute mirrors but I don't always look so cute when I see myself responding to the kids and reflected in their eyes. My kids bring out the best and worst in me me. They show my great capacity to sacrifice myself for my kids and also my incredibly short fuse and pettiness when I have to do something I don't want to do because they need me.
I love my kids but I hate not being in control of everything. Before kids I felt like I could manage my life, I could control my life and my reactions to my circumstances. With three little one's interacting with the world away from me, I am finding that I cannot control things. I cannot control my kids and I cannot control how the world treats my kids. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like my heart breaking for my boys when they get hurt or feeling the depression set in when one is not doing well at school. I don't like how much my emotions and my mood are tied to my kids' lives. I didn't think I would be one of those moms who lives vicariously through her kids. And while I don't think I do that, I do think that my life is partly lived in response to my kids' lives. I am connected to these kids that is not always comfortable.
I am tied to someone else, three someone else's in a way that is both magical and difficult for someone like me. I was a lone ranger. I didn't need anyone. I was doing life on my own even when I was first married, I was still not dependent. Now though, these kids have tied their hearts to mine in a way that is at times really painful because I can no longer deny my emotions or avoid feeling anything.
I love my kids but I don't like seeing my weakness, my faults, my dependency in them. I know my kids have changed me into a better person. It is good but I don't always like the process.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Part 2, My Champion
Gender roles are a challenge facing the modern church. Women preaching? Women elders? What is the role of women in the church? In marriage? Most of the conversations focus on the role of women, though that could be because I am a woman so the conversations I am in are usually within that context. No one has asked me what I thought the role of men should be. Well until recently.
A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a pastor that somehow drifted into gender roles. I was prepared for the usual discussion. But then he surprised me and moved quickly over Ephesians 5:22 - 24 and instead moved down to the next few verses,
Then he asked me what I thought that meant. I had to stop my mind preparing to debate women's roles and really think about the passage. What did it mean? What is the role of husbands supposed to be in marriage? What is the role of my husband? I read the passage again and the word that came to mind was that my husband is my champion.
"Like a cheerleader?" asked the pastor. No definitely not a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader in high school. I loved it. I liked the uniform. I enjoyed the practices, hanging out with my friends and practicing our routines. I loved encouraging the athletes during their games and cheering when they had a big play but that was the extent of my role in the game and the team's life. I was not a partner.
I think that a husband is meant to be a champion for his wife. A person who wants the best for me even if it involves challenging me to be better. Champions encourage the positive and work to soften and change the weaknesses. Champions tell you the truth even when it might hurt but they do so in real love, not the fake "friend" wanting to get back at you with the truth kind of "love". Champions help edit your life into a better story. And as godly husbands, our champions point us to God through it all.
My husband is my champion. He loves me. He makes choices that are evidence of that love. He goes to work every day to provide for me and our boys even when the job he has is demoralizing and frustrating. He still goes. My husband encourages me in my faith, making sure I get up on those Sunday mornings when I want to be lazy or spending a Saturday afternoon with the boys so I can go off to Starbucks to read and study the Bible. My husband is generous with our resources and helps me be more generous, an area that needs work in my heart. He is the ying to my yang in so many ways that challenge me to be better than I am.
My husband supports me using my gifts to serve God even when it involves him having to leave work early so I can go teach a Bible study. He is willing to work hard to pay the bills so I can serve at our church without having to worry about making money. When I was starting this blog and unsure if writing was something I should do, he bought me a domain name because he believes in my writing, even though he doesn't read it. He still believes in me without me having to prove myself.
My husband gives me a safe place to share my doubts about God and my frustrations that would turn to gossip with anyone else. He is upstanding, steadfast and even tempered giving me a better understanding of those qualities in God that I desperately need. He is so unlike me and yet we are made to fit together. I love him dearly even when I am frustrated because he is not doing things my way. I want to be worthy of my husband's love which encourages me to be a better person. Most of all, as my champion, my husband gives me the space to be the person God made me to be, not the wife he envisioned.
Hopefully we are each other's champions. Though I can see that women because of our give everything to other's, people pleasing and chaotic nature, may be needing a strong champion.
A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a pastor that somehow drifted into gender roles. I was prepared for the usual discussion. But then he surprised me and moved quickly over Ephesians 5:22 - 24 and instead moved down to the next few verses,
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
Ephesians 5:25-28
Then he asked me what I thought that meant. I had to stop my mind preparing to debate women's roles and really think about the passage. What did it mean? What is the role of husbands supposed to be in marriage? What is the role of my husband? I read the passage again and the word that came to mind was that my husband is my champion.
"Like a cheerleader?" asked the pastor. No definitely not a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader in high school. I loved it. I liked the uniform. I enjoyed the practices, hanging out with my friends and practicing our routines. I loved encouraging the athletes during their games and cheering when they had a big play but that was the extent of my role in the game and the team's life. I was not a partner.
I think that a husband is meant to be a champion for his wife. A person who wants the best for me even if it involves challenging me to be better. Champions encourage the positive and work to soften and change the weaknesses. Champions tell you the truth even when it might hurt but they do so in real love, not the fake "friend" wanting to get back at you with the truth kind of "love". Champions help edit your life into a better story. And as godly husbands, our champions point us to God through it all.
My husband is my champion. He loves me. He makes choices that are evidence of that love. He goes to work every day to provide for me and our boys even when the job he has is demoralizing and frustrating. He still goes. My husband encourages me in my faith, making sure I get up on those Sunday mornings when I want to be lazy or spending a Saturday afternoon with the boys so I can go off to Starbucks to read and study the Bible. My husband is generous with our resources and helps me be more generous, an area that needs work in my heart. He is the ying to my yang in so many ways that challenge me to be better than I am.
My husband supports me using my gifts to serve God even when it involves him having to leave work early so I can go teach a Bible study. He is willing to work hard to pay the bills so I can serve at our church without having to worry about making money. When I was starting this blog and unsure if writing was something I should do, he bought me a domain name because he believes in my writing, even though he doesn't read it. He still believes in me without me having to prove myself.
My husband gives me a safe place to share my doubts about God and my frustrations that would turn to gossip with anyone else. He is upstanding, steadfast and even tempered giving me a better understanding of those qualities in God that I desperately need. He is so unlike me and yet we are made to fit together. I love him dearly even when I am frustrated because he is not doing things my way. I want to be worthy of my husband's love which encourages me to be a better person. Most of all, as my champion, my husband gives me the space to be the person God made me to be, not the wife he envisioned.
Hopefully we are each other's champions. Though I can see that women because of our give everything to other's, people pleasing and chaotic nature, may be needing a strong champion.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wives Submit to Your Husbands, Part I
I have been in a lot of conversations over the years about gender roles in marriage. This is part 1 of my thoughts, the part that we all talk about.
****
Within the church there is a lot of talk about "wives submit to your husbands" from Ephesians 5. Men as the spiritual leader of the family is a phrase thrown around a lot, especially as it relates to how women are to relate to their husbands. What I find interesting when talking to people about men as the spiritual leader of the family is that they point to Ephesians 5:22 - 24, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." This is the passage we always discuss when talking about gender roles in marriage within the church.
And before you start to wonder where I stand on this issue, know that my husband and I both believe that we are to submit to the Lord and when we submit to the Lord, we are honoring one another and pleasing God. I know that sounds like I don't believe in submission to my husband, but before you judge me look at my track record. I have moved over a dozen times since being married to my husband with almost all of those moves for his job. I have been pregnant overseas twice so he could follow his dream job. I became a hockey fan. I care about Michigan football. I no longer sleep in on a Sunday morning. I am conscious of our spending and have worked hard to build up an emergency savings account. All of these things I did not care about but were important to my husband.
Often when we are faced with a decision and we disagree, we go with the one that cares more or knows more. I make most education decisions, my husband makes long term investment decisions. When I have been wrong, he kindly reminds me the next time I go to the make the same mistake. And I still give him grief about not buying Apple stock when I wanted to years and years ago when I got my first iPod. When we come to an impasse, instead of just saying the tie goes to the husband, we both agree to pray about it more. To give God time to work on each of our hearts so that we can come to a united decision based on what God wants, not what each of us wants. It took months of patience on my husband's part and prayer and God working on my heart to get me to be willing to move to Puerto Rico. But we allow each other the time. And so far, thirteen years in, it has worked for us.
As I write this there is a huge part of me, raised in a family where "the man was the leader of the family" that makes me want to explain that my husband does not believe that he is the singular leader of our family. I want to tell you that my husband believes that over the years, our faith and spiritual maturity will ebb and flow. Sometimes he will be the one driving sometimes I will be. I want to prove that I am submitting to my husband's more egalitarian view of spiritual leadership, thus absolving me of any wrong doing. Because while I do believe that we are supposed to work together to both lead and grow ourselves and our family toward God there is huge part of me that is glad I can still blame my husband for this view and thus be "submitting" to him.
See notice how in that last paragraph, I was able to somehow shift the decision making to my husband and thus make him responsible for any wrong decisions we make. By making my husband the spiritual leader of our family, I can blame him when we don't prioritize church, reading the Bible or prayer. By making my husband the leader of our family I can absolve myself of my responsibility to personally grow closer to God, disciple my kids or help my husband in his walk with God.
This is a complicated issue that the church has simplified to the point of dismissing the partnership that God created when He made Adam and Eve. I know it is a complicated issue. I also know that I respect my husband. I love my husband. And if he needed me to give myself up for him, I would.
****
Within the church there is a lot of talk about "wives submit to your husbands" from Ephesians 5. Men as the spiritual leader of the family is a phrase thrown around a lot, especially as it relates to how women are to relate to their husbands. What I find interesting when talking to people about men as the spiritual leader of the family is that they point to Ephesians 5:22 - 24, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." This is the passage we always discuss when talking about gender roles in marriage within the church.
And before you start to wonder where I stand on this issue, know that my husband and I both believe that we are to submit to the Lord and when we submit to the Lord, we are honoring one another and pleasing God. I know that sounds like I don't believe in submission to my husband, but before you judge me look at my track record. I have moved over a dozen times since being married to my husband with almost all of those moves for his job. I have been pregnant overseas twice so he could follow his dream job. I became a hockey fan. I care about Michigan football. I no longer sleep in on a Sunday morning. I am conscious of our spending and have worked hard to build up an emergency savings account. All of these things I did not care about but were important to my husband.
Often when we are faced with a decision and we disagree, we go with the one that cares more or knows more. I make most education decisions, my husband makes long term investment decisions. When I have been wrong, he kindly reminds me the next time I go to the make the same mistake. And I still give him grief about not buying Apple stock when I wanted to years and years ago when I got my first iPod. When we come to an impasse, instead of just saying the tie goes to the husband, we both agree to pray about it more. To give God time to work on each of our hearts so that we can come to a united decision based on what God wants, not what each of us wants. It took months of patience on my husband's part and prayer and God working on my heart to get me to be willing to move to Puerto Rico. But we allow each other the time. And so far, thirteen years in, it has worked for us.
As I write this there is a huge part of me, raised in a family where "the man was the leader of the family" that makes me want to explain that my husband does not believe that he is the singular leader of our family. I want to tell you that my husband believes that over the years, our faith and spiritual maturity will ebb and flow. Sometimes he will be the one driving sometimes I will be. I want to prove that I am submitting to my husband's more egalitarian view of spiritual leadership, thus absolving me of any wrong doing. Because while I do believe that we are supposed to work together to both lead and grow ourselves and our family toward God there is huge part of me that is glad I can still blame my husband for this view and thus be "submitting" to him.
See notice how in that last paragraph, I was able to somehow shift the decision making to my husband and thus make him responsible for any wrong decisions we make. By making my husband the spiritual leader of our family, I can blame him when we don't prioritize church, reading the Bible or prayer. By making my husband the leader of our family I can absolve myself of my responsibility to personally grow closer to God, disciple my kids or help my husband in his walk with God.
This is a complicated issue that the church has simplified to the point of dismissing the partnership that God created when He made Adam and Eve. I know it is a complicated issue. I also know that I respect my husband. I love my husband. And if he needed me to give myself up for him, I would.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Prayer Works
So somewhere in the journey of learning and preparing to teach about prayer, I asked for prayer. It should not have been a step of faith for me. It should have been an obvious, natural request for prayer as I was getting ready to teach God's word. But for me it was a step of faith. A risk worth taking because everything I was learning told me that prayer changes things, that the prayers of His children have power. So I asked those that read my blog to pray for me.
I have to say now that my little experiment proved to me that prayer works. I know that some of you were praying for me as I prepared to teach the women's Bible study at my church. Beyond this blog, I know that my friends and fellow teachers were praying for me as I prepared and taught for two weeks. And I felt those prayers. I found time to get the work done. I felt peace when nerves should have been making it hard for me to sit or sleep the night before.
But beyond the regular wisdom, guidance and peace I needed when preparing and teaching, I was protected. It is a long, complicated story involving my parents and a long, difficult relationship that has fallen apart over the years. After years and years of talking, praying and trying to make things "all right" I had come to a place where I was able to forgive, extend grace and move on. I had thought we had come to a place where we could be. I thought things were fine, or as fine as they could be with the characters involved.
And then on the Saturday between the two weeks I was teaching, I got an email from my dad letting me know that my parents were separating, again, and probably for the last time. This should have rocked me a bit because they have been married for 40 years, though I was unfortunately not surprised since they also separated and reunited a couple of years ago. This is how my family works it seems. There is always some drama or crisis. And it usually happens just as I am needing to focus on something important in my own life. Somehow, and this is where I see the prayers of God's people really working in my life, I was not thrown off by the news. I was able to hear the news without being distracted by it. God protected my heart and my mind so I could do stay focused on the task at hand, preparing and teaching amazing women about prayer. God protected me through that week. The prayers of His people held me up and created a place of safety for me.
It was not until I was in my car after teaching my last session that the tears began to flow. I was in a safe place. I had the time to deal with the pain of my parent's marriage breaking. I hate the fact that after 40 years of marriage they are separating. It is scary for lots of reasons. Lots and lots of reasons. I hate doubting my husband when he has never done anything to deserve the doubt. I hate worrying about them and their futures. I spent an entire childhood worrying about my parents and trying to take care of things. I hate the awkwardness it brings to my life if I choose to include them in family activities. Thankfully we have had to be really protective of the kids with my parents because of some things that have happened over the last few years so I don't know when the kids will even begin to realize that my parents are separated. It is not something I plan to talk to the kids about any time soon. But when we do eventually talk about it I don't know what that will do to their idea of marriage to know that after 40 years people can still be in danger of splitting up. Will they worry about their Dad and I? Will I worry about it?
So I have been processing this information slowly over the last few weeks. Releasing the anger or more truthfully venting the anger to those I trust. Prayerfully deciding how my family, my husband, the boys and I, will relate to my parents. Trying to pray for them, through the anger, frustration and hurt. I am feeling the hurt and realizing that it is not my story even though it is my family's story. This has been a long journey with them but I am a grown up now and I can decide how I want to deal with their actions. I can write my own story.
What keeps coming to my mind ever since first hearing the news is that prayer works. I don't know how. But I needed prayer even more than I realized when I asked for people to pray for me. They prayed. And I was protected when I needed to be. So thank you if you were one of the people that prayed for me. What an amazing gift you gave me with your prayers. God is big. God is good. He does not need us. And yet He invites us to participate with Him through our prayers.
I have to say now that my little experiment proved to me that prayer works. I know that some of you were praying for me as I prepared to teach the women's Bible study at my church. Beyond this blog, I know that my friends and fellow teachers were praying for me as I prepared and taught for two weeks. And I felt those prayers. I found time to get the work done. I felt peace when nerves should have been making it hard for me to sit or sleep the night before.
But beyond the regular wisdom, guidance and peace I needed when preparing and teaching, I was protected. It is a long, complicated story involving my parents and a long, difficult relationship that has fallen apart over the years. After years and years of talking, praying and trying to make things "all right" I had come to a place where I was able to forgive, extend grace and move on. I had thought we had come to a place where we could be. I thought things were fine, or as fine as they could be with the characters involved.
And then on the Saturday between the two weeks I was teaching, I got an email from my dad letting me know that my parents were separating, again, and probably for the last time. This should have rocked me a bit because they have been married for 40 years, though I was unfortunately not surprised since they also separated and reunited a couple of years ago. This is how my family works it seems. There is always some drama or crisis. And it usually happens just as I am needing to focus on something important in my own life. Somehow, and this is where I see the prayers of God's people really working in my life, I was not thrown off by the news. I was able to hear the news without being distracted by it. God protected my heart and my mind so I could do stay focused on the task at hand, preparing and teaching amazing women about prayer. God protected me through that week. The prayers of His people held me up and created a place of safety for me.
It was not until I was in my car after teaching my last session that the tears began to flow. I was in a safe place. I had the time to deal with the pain of my parent's marriage breaking. I hate the fact that after 40 years of marriage they are separating. It is scary for lots of reasons. Lots and lots of reasons. I hate doubting my husband when he has never done anything to deserve the doubt. I hate worrying about them and their futures. I spent an entire childhood worrying about my parents and trying to take care of things. I hate the awkwardness it brings to my life if I choose to include them in family activities. Thankfully we have had to be really protective of the kids with my parents because of some things that have happened over the last few years so I don't know when the kids will even begin to realize that my parents are separated. It is not something I plan to talk to the kids about any time soon. But when we do eventually talk about it I don't know what that will do to their idea of marriage to know that after 40 years people can still be in danger of splitting up. Will they worry about their Dad and I? Will I worry about it?
So I have been processing this information slowly over the last few weeks. Releasing the anger or more truthfully venting the anger to those I trust. Prayerfully deciding how my family, my husband, the boys and I, will relate to my parents. Trying to pray for them, through the anger, frustration and hurt. I am feeling the hurt and realizing that it is not my story even though it is my family's story. This has been a long journey with them but I am a grown up now and I can decide how I want to deal with their actions. I can write my own story.
What keeps coming to my mind ever since first hearing the news is that prayer works. I don't know how. But I needed prayer even more than I realized when I asked for people to pray for me. They prayed. And I was protected when I needed to be. So thank you if you were one of the people that prayed for me. What an amazing gift you gave me with your prayers. God is big. God is good. He does not need us. And yet He invites us to participate with Him through our prayers.
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