Sunday, February 14, 2010

So Far

A few weeks ago I was watching Beth Moore teach via DVD (Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed) about the transforming power of God. She said, "I don't want a tweak; I want a transformation. ...A full-fledged so far transformation." She later writes, "We talked about allowing God to bring us "so far" that He alone could be the excuse for it." I love this idea, this SO far idea, that God has brought us SO far in our lives, SO far from where we came, SO from who we were, that He can be the only explanation for the amazing transformation in our lives. What an amazing thought that is! What an amazing blessing to think of my life as a work of God's, not something I must fix on my own.

This week she had us read 2 Samuel 7:18.
Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?

And then the question was "Have you ever come to a time in your life when you asked the same question?"

I stopped. In that moment I knew that God has brought me SO far, SO far that I am able to be a healthy mom to my kids. God has brought me SO far that I am not tied down by my history, not controlled by the circumstances of the family outside me. I used to be defined by my childhood, defined by my family. I always felt like I needed to explain my situation, explain the dysfunction in my life. Somewhere in the years after I left home, I started to heal. I started to find my identity in who God is, and who I am in God. My story changed from the child who had to share my entire life and being with a mother who was hurt so badly as a child that she never became herself. So even though she was in a grown up body, she was still learning to become independent, to think for herself, to become her own person. She needed time and space and oxygen to do this. They always tell you when you are flying to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others who might need assistance. My mother needed to put her oxygen mask on first but it was not enough. It felt like she needed some of mine to, like we had to share the air we breathed in order for her to grow and heal.

I don't know how or when it happened, though I am sure it was a very slow process, that has brought me to a place where I can breathe freely because I am breathing the sweet oxygen of my Father. I am no longer the child my family made, but the child of my God who made my soul. I have come SO far. So now as a mom, I don't worry (well not too often) about being a good mom. I know I will fail miserably at times. I know that I will have moment of pure joy and a sense of touching my kids' lives in a profound and good way. Motherhood for me is the ultimate example of how God works in lives. God transformed my life, my identity, my story SO far that I am able to be a mother to my boys.

Who Am I God that you would trust me with these three souls? I am your child Lord!

1 comment:

  1. Yes! Yes! Yes! and Amen! What a testimony and what a transformation! Me, too, Jen. No longer defined by the dysfunctions--- but being defined by the health of His breath in me, His oxygen. I loved this post. Thank you.