My Parenting Failure

Lately after I tuck my kids into bed at night I walk down the hall feeling like a complete parenting failure. It is a frustrating feeling, a feeling of helplessness mixed with incompetence, like I should be doing things so much better and yet I am not.

In my head a good parent has obedient kids who are polite, follow directions the first time and are incredibly respectful. In my head, good parents have control of their kids.

As my kids are getting older I am realizing that I really do not have control of my kids. I am a failure at controlling my kids.

My boys are loud. They are boisterous and fill a room completely when they enter it. People look at us in Target or smile on me with pity in the grocery store. Just today an older couple, after seeing my boys run out of a store and race each other to the van, said, "You've got your hands full." They tantrum and cry when they don't get their way. They fight with each other, both with words and with their hands and feet. They go silent and fall behind me when a grown up tries to talk to them. They leave toys everywhere and whine when they are told to clean up and do their chores.

The noise and chaos often overwhelms me. I feel out of control. And yet deep down I know that my kids are not out of control.

But neither am I in control. I do not have control of my kids because they are growing up, they are making more and more of their own choices, and they are starting ever so slowly to take control of their own lives. This doesn't mean that they can take over our house do whatever they want. There are consequences for bad behavior, consequences from us and consequences from the world.

My parenting failure is not that I can't control my kids. My parenting failure is buying into the idea that I can control my kids, that I should control my kids.

Community - People Should Come with Warning Labels

I have been thinking a lot about community this winter and have a couple of blog posts on the subject. One of the things I realized recently was that community would be so much easier if people came with warning labels.

"I have great intentions but I am a flake."

"I over share. Don't tell me your secrets."

"I am a drama queen. Don't take my woes too seriously."

"I have been hurt so don't trust easily."

"I am quick to judge."

"I make horrible first impressions but give me another chance."

I have recently discovered that my warning label would be "Just when we become great friends, I will move away." I feel like I need to start letting new people I meet know this about me. I am a serial monogamist when it comes to community. I am quick to jump in and get involved. I am committed. I show up. I am loyal. Until the moving truck shows up. And if it is has been 2 years that we have lived in one place, then know the moving truck is coming.

We have been in the Pacific Northwest now for 2 years, exactly 2 years this week. And while the moving truck is not coming until this summer, the decision to move has been made, the house hunt has begun, and we are starting the process of disconnecting here and reconnecting there. Thankfully for us our there is back in the Bay Area where we lived a few years ago. A place full of friends, a great school community, and a strong church. A place we know and a place the kids, well some of them, remember.

This time I may not need to put on my warning label. We hope, as we did during our last move, that this one is permanent. I think we are getting closer to what is best for our family long term. I think we have found the right school system and the right hockey program for our boys. A hockey program that will not conflict with church anymore. We are moving back to the sun which makes me so very happy.

And yet, we have to say goodbye, again. Goodbye to amazing friends. Goodbye to a church family full of people who held my boys when they were babies. Goodbye to our small and tight hockey group.

With the advent of Facebook and blogs it is really not so much a goodbye, as let's stay connected via our iPhones. Which is really not so bad after all. Much better than saying goodbye.

Eerily Silent

I got an email from a friend today checking in on me. She wrote that I have been eerily silent, no blog posts or emails. I like that phrase eerily silent. Thought I am not happy with the silence. I am not happy that I have let my life get away from me, me queen of saying no, queen of the boundaries. Not only has my schedule gotten the better of me, but the grey, wet days up here in the Pacific Northwest have beaten me down. I am finding that I don't have anything nice to say, so as Thumper's mom says, I'm not saying anything at all.

And yet, by not sitting down with my laptop to write, I am not giving my mind space to stretch. I have not been giving myself space to be with my own thoughts. I have been avoiding my thoughts and I am not really sure why. They are not dark. They are not harsh. They are not even confusing. Mostly though I think I am very aware that I don't really have any deep thoughts worth turning over in my mind and on my computer screen.

It is my own fault. In this grey, dreary time of year I find myself canceling workouts and turning to coffee to get me through the afternoon. It is so wet outside that I turn on the tv to comfort shows instead of getting out and seeing people or visiting the library for a new book. And when my schedule gets busy, I find myself procrastinating everything for no reason at all. Some people thrive on activity and busyness. I apparently shut down a bit. Not really a good trait when there are things to be accomplished.

So I am going to try to make time for myself to read, time for myself to think, and time for myself to write. I know with things that are coming up in my life, I will certainly have things to process and writing is a great way for me to figure things out.

Community - Hockey Moms

All three of my boys are now playing hockey. Middle Man and Little One's season ends this weekend. Middle Man is ready for a break but Little One LOVES hockey and asks almost every day, "How many more days until hockey?" Hockey Boy is on a more competitive hockey team this year. He has mid week practices and weekend tournaments. So we spend a lot of time at the rink. A LOT of time. And this is only the first year of competitive hockey. As the younger kids move up we will be spending even more time in big coats and warm boots lacing up skates and trying to stay warm.

One of the my favorite parts of hockey is the community we are building with the other families. We are in a small hockey program so this group of kids will always be playing with or against one another which means we will be seeing the same parents at the rink week after week, year after year. And as one mom said, it is like a big family complete with a crazy uncle or annoying aunt that always shows up for the family reunion. We will be hanging out in the lobbies and stands of hockey rinks for years to come. Hockey is not really a drop off sport until the kids are in middle school. Skates are really hard to tie and the rinks are not just around the corner so we end up hanging out at practices in case our kid gets hurt or because it is not worth driving home just to come back. This adds up to a lot of hours where the parents and siblings get to be together.

I make a horrible first impression. I know this about myself. I need a little grace when you first meet me but I will grow on you. Because I know this about myself, I have gotten a lot better about taking some time before I let my initial perception of a new person set in. Hockey has been a great place for me to practice this. We all come from various parts of our metro area and often it seems hockey is the only thing we have in common. But as I am getting to know these families better, I am finding that hockey may be the thread that binds us together, but together we are. We have become a community. A community that cares for one another. A community that looks out for each other. A community that shares carpool responsibilities and keeps an eye on each other's kids. A community that bands together when someone needs help outside the rink.

I have really felt this idea of community at the rink for a while, but it became even more real for me this weekend. It's a bit of a long story.

Hockey boy moved to forward this year. He had always played defense before so scoring goals was never really on his radar. He was more focused on making sure the other team did not score. But suddenly scoring goals became paramount. He wanted a goal. He watched all his other teammates score goals this season. Everyone but him. There was a point in the middle of the season when win or lose, he would cry and get upset after a game because he did not get a goal. We watched the movie Rudy and talked about how not everyone was meant to score, but he could work hard, he could be tenacious, he could do everything he could to help his team succeed. It took a few weeks but it finally sunk in. He stopped worrying about scoring and started focusing on helping his team win. In the movie version of his life, that would be when he would score a goal. But he still didn't score. The buzzer went off just as he was about to shoot on an open net. The goalies stopped his shot. He hit a post. He kept getting so close but the shots weren't going in. And then this weekend, in the semifinal game of the league championship, with 3 minutes left in the game, a pass went across the crease, Hockey Boy had to reach out for puck, he got his stick on it and put it in behind the goalies pads.

Hockey Boy scored. I jumped up and cheered. His Dad who was working the penalty box was cheering. But what really amazed me was all of our fans who were cheering and jumping and hugging me. You would have thought he had scored the game winning goal with how the crowd erupted but the game wasn't even close. They were all just so happy to see Hockey Boy score.
There were tears in my eyes, seeing my boy who had worked so, so hard finally get a goal. But I was not the only one with tears of joy. A lot of the moms were so thrilled for him that they also got a bit emotional. It meant the world to Hockey Boy and his proud parents, but it also meant the world to his teammates who kept congratulating him. I think it brought a lot of joy to his coaches and manager who made sure to get him the puck to keep. The win was nice, but the goal was amazing! And we got to share it with people who really understood and had been with him through the whole season.

It was an amazing moment to share with our hockey family. And it kept going the next day as moms who missed the game came up to talk about the goal and how happy they were for Hockey Boy.

These may not be the people I would have chosen to spend so much of my life with and that is why I am loving hockey. We have met some amazing people and our family's lives have been enriched by them.