#totalfail

I do Twitter. I tweet rarely, mostly I read other ingenious people's tweets. I especially like the funny ones, Conan O'Brien, Mindy Kaling, and some Canadian dude #sween who cracks me up with his 140 characters. I have noticed that when something goes really wrong in someone's life they end their tweet with #totalfail. If you click on that there is a long, long, long list of failures written in 140 characters or less.

I write all that to say that my parenting of late has felt like a #totalfail. Here are a few what would have been my recent #totalfail tweets, if I were the type to display my failure for the world to see:

#Took boys to play at friend's house. Little One was out of control. He destroyed a shovel, bucket and threw a freshly picked cucumber. I was horrified and embarrassed. My kid was THAT kid.

#Spent the afternoon yelling at my boys to BE QUIET.

#Served the kids ritz bits and oreos for lunch. All the other moms had fruits and veggies packed for their kids.

#How can one little 3 year old make me so angry I literally (and I mean literally) want to smack him?

#Not sure if I am helping the feminist movement by telling my boy that he is crying like a little girl. In truth he is crying like the drama queen that he is this week.

#Since my kids did not get to watch tv or play video games on school days, I can use all those saved up hours over the summer, right? 178 days - Fridays because I let them watch/play Fridays x 1.5 hours because they did watch one show before bed = me not having to get out of bed so early in the morning.

#Did I mention I have become one of those screeching moms who cannot control her kids?

#I am thinking that standing up might be a necessary part of good parenting. Now I have to decide which is more important, sitting or parenting? Really tough choice right now.

#Sunburn and skin cancer now or sunscreen caused tumors and cancer down the road? Do I really have to choose between these two bad options.

#I think I may have just given Middle Man permission to hit Little One back when I told him to never hit Little One first.

#If I use humor will it deflect from the very real fact that my kids are too loud, too rowdy, not listening to me at all and basically out of control at times.

#All those parenting tips and techniques may work for a time, but the truth is the kids will find a way around your defenses. Or maybe I just have not read the right book yet?

You Know You are Old...

So this last week I turned 37. I am okay with that age, though I really don't want to be 38 or 39. I would be happy just to skip to 40 because at least then I will be 40 and fabulous but 38 and 39 just sound old for some reason. Like I should feel bad about myself that I am almost 40 which is funny since we are being told how wonderful it is to be 40 as a woman. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. Anywhoo.... I am now 37 and finding that I am getting old.

Here's how you know you are old...

- Your knees start clicking out of place when you walk. This started happening within the last 6 months. I like to blame the running I started doing. I, hopefully, asked my friend who is a physical therapist if that meant I should stop running? Nope, turns out I am just old and need to strengthen my muscles around my knee since I have spent 37 years wearing down the cartilage. I am training to do a 5 K at Thanksgiving and have started a very slow, couch to 5 K program. The program is not actually slow, it can be done in 8 weeks. I am just doing it really slowly.

- I guess you also know you are old when you have to actually train to do a 5K. Seriously. I could barely run 3 minutes in a row when I started and am still terrified of doing the 20 minute run I am avoiding (I mean I was on vacation so I should probably go back and do some of the earlier trainings again to get ready right?) I have not gotten anywhere near running 2 miles and I think a 5K is like 3.5 miles or something. I have friends who run half and whole marathons. Not me. My bucket list will be complete after this 5K.

- Caffeine starts to bother your stomach. As does garlic. Oh and cinnamon. I am not happy about this development since I was using caffeine to get through my days, and pasta to make life worth living, and cinnamon rolls for when life wasn't.

- When you suddenly panic while being "close" with your husband at his folks house because what if he dies while you are both you know, not dressed and in bed together. How would I explain that to his mother? The thought had never, ever, never occurred to me until our last visit. In that moment of completely unwarranted panic, I realized that yes, indeed, we are old. Though, since I envisioned him dying and not me, I guess I think he is way older than me.

- You are waiting for your kids to get just a little bit older so they can figure out all the electronic equipment and fix the internet when it is not working for you. I have visions of my VCR blinking 12:00 though they may never even notice that since they don't ever use the VCR. It is all about Apple TV, OnDemand and the DVR for my boys.

- The best birthday present you receive is a day home alone in your own house. Diamonds might be nice but 12 hours in your own house without kids, husbands, chores, or interruptions, perfect! Yes, my husband is a saint. He planned a great birthday for me yesterday with the boys, but even better, today he took them all to a baseball game which was three hours away from our house. A whole day alone, in my house, with my tivo, book and computer.

The best way to know you are old.... You write blog posts contemplating all the things that make you feel old. When you are young you never blame things on age. You feel young so you must be young.

Now I feel old, but hopefully in a wise, peaceful way.

Disappointment

Last week I wrote a blog post that basically vented some of my pent up frustration after spending a little too much time with someone who I know I will never make happy. I tried to be funny, which ended up being sarcastic and at one point I wrote, "I am thinking there is more posts on this theme to come as my brain processes the disappointment that I am." So here it is.

I have to say that at times I am a disappointment. I am often not a good mother, yelling too much, letting them watch too much tv and ignoring the teaching moments because I just don't want to today. I am often a selfish wife keeping a score card of who does more and how much he "owes" me. I am often a lazy housekeeper who will walk past that pile of dirty socks on the stairs so I can go upstairs and lie in bed and read my book. And I really do enjoy sleep too much.

I am a slacker at times. Part of this is because I have decided what my priorities and values are and if the world's rushing, scheduled, over achieving plans don't fit my priorities than I am perfectly comfortable slacking off on those. I cannot do it all.

I am bound to disappoint though even when I am trying. I know this about myself. I know I am a disappointment. The world, my kids, the other moms, the Today Show all tell me I am doing it wrong. Which I guess is why it is so hard when I hear it in someone else's tone of voice or harsh words. Someone who should be my champion, someone who should be a mentor, a comforter, a cheerleader. Someone who should want me to succeed because my success creates amazing kids which is all both of us want.

I am sort of going through life a bit on my own, without any strong mother figures in my life. I don't have a mom I can call in the middle of the night when I am scared, or a mother in law that I can ask for help when I need it. I don't have any older family members I can trust to love me, care for me and guide me. I don't have a shoulder to cry on and share how horrible I am feeling about my parenting skills, someone to say, "I know. I have been there. It is hard. You're doing great. I love you." I don't have someone to ask advice from who will share, without judgement, what they have tried, what they learned, where they failed.

I know I am a disappointment. I know that I am not perfect. None of us are. We are all disappointments at time. I just really wish I had someone to come alongside me, pick me up and say it is going to be okay. I want a champion. I know that Jesus is my eternal champion, who has stood up for me and picked me up, but unfortunately He is sort of the strong, silent type. He meets my real needs, but sometimes I want my human, heart pained needs met with words of comfort from an actual person who will make me feel better about myself.

I guess what I am saying is I want a Mommy!

And that is my disappointment.

Rules for Prayer

I started reading another of the many books on prayer that have been collecting dust on my desk. It is "The Prayer of the Lord" by R.C. Sproul. Sproul is a favorite of the pastors at our church and I really like his writing style and more importantly what he has to write as well. I had to share the following quote with you because it is that good.

People come to me and ask: "What are the rules for prayer? How should we approach God in prayer? What's the right way to pray?" I tell those who ask these kinds of questions that there are really only two rules you have to keep in mind when you're in prayer, two things that should drive and govern and control your prayer life with the Almighty. You should remember who is being addressed and who is doing the speaking. That is, the first thing you are to remember in prayer is who it is you're talking to, because nothing will condition your prayer life more deeply than remembering that you're in conversation with God, the sovereign Creator and Ruler of the universe. Second, you are to remember who you are. You are not God. You are a a creature. So prayer is not a conversation between peers; it is not a fireside chat among equals. This is the creature speaking to the sovereign Creator."

This is by far the most important lesson I have been learning this last year as I have studied both prayer and been reading my way through the Bible, that God is God. I can try to deny it. I can try to diminish who He is by putting Him in my God box. I can try to control God with my eloquent prayers and "righteous" living. I, I, I.

God is God. That is all. Really.