Do you ever say yes to something feeling pretty confident that you can handle it and then a few minutes or days or weeks later realize you are in way over your head? Not only in over your head but you are bound to disappoint, annoy or agitate someone no matter what you do?
I am feeling that this week for a lot of reasons. I am tired but then I am always tired, heck I am a Mommy. I have a bunch of stuff on my calendar and a few double bookings in there as well. My self control seems to be so frazzled that I am winning the Worst Mommy of the Year awards left and right which is really bad considering it is coming up to Mother's Day weekend.
I really thought I had it together today. I spent a ton of time with Little One, taking him to music time and then playing board games with him for a whole hour. I bought him a new book, read to him at lunch and even let him have a quiet time, which he loves, before putting him down for a nap. And yet it was not enough. Not enough to counter the expletive type afternoon I had where my frazzled self control snapped and ugliness ensued. We, the boys and I since my husband is traveling, eventually pulled it all together and everyone was fed, clean and in bed with kisses and prayers at a decent time.
But that is only my primary job. I am also part of different teams at church and the kids' school, all having some event this week involving trying to find babysitting for meetings, volunteering with a three year old and missing out on some things because said three year old cannot handle being dragged too many places in one week.
I am also a friend trying to schedule play dates and girls' nights out with my crazy schedule which makes me look like I am always busy but really I am not. Seriously I can get together next Thursday afternoon or some Friday evening, but not that Friday evening since my husband works late and I am already using the sitter the next night.
I guess I should really be thankful my husband is out of town this week because it means I can cheat on cooking dinner. I can leave the clean clothes unfolded on his side of the bed another night. And I can watch cheesy, girly shows while typing emails and notes late at night without feeling like I am neglecting him and also hogging the remote.
I am making it sound worse than it is. It is really not that much stuff and it is all manageable, except for the people part. The part where people have expectations of my participation that I may not meet. The part where there are underlying agendas that I don't even know are there but walk right into with my big mouth. The part where someone feels slighted because I am not giving enough of myself to some project or person.
See. I know I will disappoint this week. I don't know what to do about it, or if I should even care. Sometimes I disappoint people because of my very real, bad behavior. My harsh word or quick dismissal. But sometimes, I am going to disappoint people in spite of doing or saying what I really feel God is putting on my heart. For having priorities that are reflective of God's hand in my life but may not be the priorities the people around me have or deem right. For following a God given agenda as best I can, though in doing so will still falter and mess it up at times.
I don't think there is one right decision for every single choice. I doubt there is one right way to communicate a message or manage money or parent a child. The world loves to celebrate our differences, but at the same time, we expect everyone in the church or in our lives to be on the same page. And the reality is we are not. I don't even think we are meant to be.
So I will disappoint some this week. Some of these disappointments are from my poor choices. But some of these disappointments will be the result of my good choices. Doesn't make it less disappointing to the other person but makes it easier to let go a bit for me.