I was going to call this post "Drivel" because I have been feeling like my last few posts have been well, drivel. Is that even a word? I think it is. In my mind, while the past few posts have been on target, there was always something missing. Some element of me that was not really there. Some part of me that I was not doing a good job of communicating. I believe what I wrote, but somewhere in the writing, or the time between the inspiration and the actual writing, I got lost.
I felt like a jerk writing the post about prayer requests. I kept worrying if people were going to think that I did not care about their prayer requests. I felt cynical. I am not sure I ever really communicated what I was thinking and discovering about prayer. And as I keep writing and deleting sentences in this post I realize it is happening again. I am filtering and editing, trying not to offend or alienate.
I have become very aware that people are reading what I post here. For the most part you either know the real me or you don't know me at all so I should feel comfortable being myself. But lately, I have felt a need to filter. I think it started a few months ago when I got more involved in some leadership roles at my church. This weighs heavily on me as I write lately. It shouldn't but it does. I have not changed as a person, but I feel myself thinking about what someone from church might think if they read this. I also wonder what my non-Christian friends might feel about all this religion talk. I spend way too much time having conversations in my head explaining to so and so what I meant by such and such sentence.
I often write about my struggles as I grow in my faith, as a mom and as a member of my community but many of my struggles of late have not been things I felt I could share. I end up sharing just a portion of the thought. For example, when I wrote about Job 28 and man's search for wisdom, I did not really explain why that passage struck a cord with me. I left out the part about how much I do value wisdom, how much I wish we could spend more time talking together about things that matter in an eternal sense, and most importantly how I believe God reveals wisdom to each of us through His word. Teachers and pastors are great. But we were made with minds to think, to ponder, to struggle with ideas. Not just to accept the interpretations of others. I love to think about big ideas. And more importantly, I am capable to think about big ideas. I am capable of studying, reading and discerning what is good and true from what is false and misleading. I am not perfect at it, but when I invite God into the process, I grow. I grow in wisdom as Middle Man used to say when he was little. And that is not just true for me. It is true for everyone. We don't have to take special classes. We don't have to pass certain tests. We can all pick up the Bible, read what it says, and grow wiser.
I am not sure what to do about the filtering. Editing is good. Making sure I choose words wisely. I speak kindly. But when I find myself editing for a specific person or caring what so and so thinks, I am pretty sure I lose myself. And when I lose my true voice, the real me, what I am writing may be accurate but it is not true. And in blogging, being true is what matters.
I am a work in progress, simply trying to figure out how to best serve God with my life. As always it's complicated.