Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Things I Learned When My Husband Broke His Toe

My husband broke his toe. So badly it required surgery. I know, I know. I keep talking about his broken toe.

It doesn't seem like a big deal. It's just a toe.

Except he cannot put any weight on that foot. Any weight.

I know it will heal. Though it is slower going than we thought. But it will heal. At least I pray it does... and soon because let me tell you, I am not doing well with it. And I am not even the one in pain.

I have learned a few things along this journey. A few good lessons to share.

1) My husband is a rock star partner. I did not realize how much he helps around the house until he couldn't do anything. He helps a lot. I feel a little guilty about how much he does. Except I don't because being a stay at home mom to three boys was exhausting until this year when they are finally all in school all day. I'm still recuperating from the first ten years of their lives.

2) Christmas trees are very light when they are all dried out. And Christmas lights can be charming still glowing on the patio into January.

3) I get really grumpy and tired when I have to do it all alone. I am not sure I would survive being a single mom, which is why I have him highly insured because I will need to hire a ton of help if I ever lose him. Huge kudos to all you parents who are doing it on your own. I am awed by your strength, patience and mad juggling skills.

4) We will definitely need to live in an assisted living facility when we are old. I am a horrible caretaker. And in case you think it is one sided, know that I often had to remind my husband to feed me when I was on bedrest with Middle Man.

5) With the assisted living facility in mind, we should probably start saving so we can stay in the nice place. I want the complex that is like going away to college but for old people. The one with a bowling league and trips abroad and a cafeteria and cleaning crew. Sorry kids, I will be spending any inheritance you were hoping for, though I cannot imagine you expect us to have any money, not after raising three boys.

6) Toes are important. Crutches are awkward.

7) It's only a toe. It's not cancer. It's not amputated. It's just a toe. Sometimes perspective helps. 

8) Sometimes a little pity party is okay. Downton Abbey or lunch with friends help.

Are you prepared for getting old? 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I Just Need One Win Today

Last weekend, we flew to Phoenix for a hockey tournament for Hockey Boy. With my husband on crutches with a broken toe full of pins and such, I was left to do all the packing, loading, unloading, carrying and herding of the boys. Thankfully, the boys are now all great travelers and able to do a lot of the bag rolling, backpack carrying through the airport.

As we were landing in Phoenix, I reminded the boys to double check that they had everything. Check in the seat pockets and around your feet to make sure you have it all I must have said a few times.

It was not until we were unloading at the rental car complex that I realized I had left my laptop on the plane. I know how could I forget it after reminding the kids over and over to double check their stuff. Trust me they reminded me of that.

Suddenly the floor dropped out from under me.

Not because of the laptop. It can be replaced. It does have a password. It is just a thing.

Except my life over the last year has been full of little things, little stresses, adding up over time. Like a Jenga game, with piece after piece being removed until it all comes crashing down.

As I listened to the recorded message from the US Airways letting me know I would need to return to the lost baggage counter to report the item, while I stood by waiting for my husband to finish renting the car, while we drove back to the airport in our crazy big, boat of a car, I considered the many things that had brought me to this point of feeling like my world was collapsing, over a laptop.

The year of stress as my husband's small company fights to survive, never knowing how many paychecks are left. But he still has a job.

The writing process, the rejection letters, the internet full of people who have better things to say, never knowing where my place will be. But I do get to stay home with the kids.

The drama that comes with interacting with people, never knowing when someone is going to put their junk at your doorstop or step on your toes unintentionally. But I have people.

The broken toe right before Christmas. My husband undergoing surgery and not able to put any weight on it for weeks on end. But he is alive.

See all those buts. Nothing really bad has happened this year.

But all those stressors add up, weigh me down. And those are just some of them, the ones I will write down here.

So when I left my laptop on that plane, it felt like too much.

As we drove to the airport, I prayed for a win. I just need one win today, God. Just one.

But I have been a Christian long enough to know that God doesn't necessarily give us the win we want.  He is not the lost and found department, well He is but not of my keys and my laptop. He gives us the best thing for us. And my laptop didn't feel like it was something I really needed, not really. Except I did. I desperately needed my laptop. Not for its sake but for mine.

I needed a win.

And amazingly enough. I got my win. My laptop had been found on the plane and was waiting at the gate ready to be reunited with me.

It could have so easily stayed hidden deep beneath the seat in front of my mine. It was in a black sleeve. Easy to miss. Obviously. I missed it.

It could have so easily been found after take off causing me a day or two of worry and changing of passwords.

It could have never been found, at least by the right people.

But it was.

I got my win that day.

And it made all the difference.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

It Will Be Mine

I haven't sat down to write in a long time.

The holidays were too busy.

The kids were still home for a week after the holidays.

I needed to recuperate from all the togetherness once the holidays were over and everyone was back at school and work.

Mostly though, I don't want to write. I am too tired.

I would say I have nothing to say but the truth is I have been thinking... a lot. But I really don't want to share. I don't even want to think. I don't want to confront the things that make me sad or frustrated or wounded or wondering what I need to do better.

So many things I wonder.

Should I even have a blog. There are so many better writers out there. People I read and share and retweet. People who are better at writing. Better at connecting with readers. Better at encouraging moms with an inspiring story or a funny story of learning from failure. Better at analyzing issues of faith. People who are simply better.

Not that I have to be better to write. Not that I have to be better to blog. But I wonder sometimes if I am just adding to the noise.

I wonder that especially when I am trying to stay on a schedule. When I am writing to a specific audience or a specific topic. When I try to grow this blog, when I try to follow the blogging rules, I end up feeling false.

But if I am not blogging with intention, if I am writing only for myself, what is the point in pushing publish? Why put it out for the world to see? Is there value in it?

I really don't know.

I know I will write again. I know I will hit publish again. I like this little place of mine.

When I let it be mine...

So I am done with expectations.

I am done with schedules.

I am done with branding.

I will post when I have something worthwhile to say.

Or not worthwhile.

But it will be mine.

So if you want to know my ramblings, check back or follow me on Twitter or Facebook where I will link my posts.

If there is something you want me to write about, let me know that as well.

I do have stories to share. I do learn from others so am happy to share what I have learned.