Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Not Writing

I did not blog for an entire month. I did not write much offline either. And not because there wasn't anything happening in our lives.

March included not only my middle son's birthday and my husband and my 16th wedding anniversary but it also held Easter and a Tuesday morning spent teaching about communion at my church's mom's group. It was a month of figuring out how to live without a pay check, considering different job opportunities including some far away from where we live now. March was also full of reminders of how blessed we are, we have a beautiful home, amazingly generous friends, a great community, and savings enough to not panic. It was a month of such amazing growth for my eldest son, my hockey boy who branched out and tried some new and scary things and lived.

But I did not write about any of it.

I couldn't.

Or I wouldn't.

I'm not really sure. All I know is that the West Wing needed to be watched during the day when the boys were at school. That all my energy was spent on keeping their days as normal as possible. My husband and I faced panic and possibility and fear and provision when the boys were not looking or we tried to as much as possible. Though I am sure our stress leaked out. That is what stress does. It leaks into all the gaps, over every part of our lives, dimming the lights on the joys and weighing down the heavy even more. 

I watched my mom be depressed when I was a child. I saw it again as an adult when circumstances shocked her world. When meds didn't work any more or life became too much.

And now I worry about what my boys see. When I sleep later in the mornings and have a hard time facing the day. When I lose my will and let them play video games for far too long because I am lost in my own addictive game. When I am short with them, my patience thin not because of them but because stress does that too.

I am thankful though that for the most part, we do believe that things will be okay. That we trust that God has a plan, even if it is not what we had in mind. He has been ever faithful in our lives. There is no reason to doubt.

And yet...

Sometimes I get angry. At God. Why now? Why us? 

I feel like Job finally asking God why. Why him? Why his family?

And then I remember God's response to Job at the beginning of chapter 38:

“Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels shouted for joy?"
And it keeps going for a couple of chapters.

I get it. But I am not always happy about it.

But I think that's okay.

I hope.

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