I am sorry...

My dear boys,

I’m sorry. 

I have made mistakes. 

I have hurt you. 

I have been angry, misguided, selfish. 

I stayed up too late and woke up grumpy and tired. I lost my patience because of this. I didn’t manage my stress well, letting it build up. I got angry too quickly. Resorted to yelling and punishing when a few extras moments of talking with you was the better choice. I was tired, overwhelmed which is understandable when you have three small boys that keep growing and changing. But I knew the right healthy choices to make to help me be in the best physical, emotional, and spiritual state of mind and yet did the opposite. 

I listened to the wrong people. I didn’t trust my instincts or you. I forgot that I know you, that I am your advocate, your last line of defense. I listened to the voices of disapproval and trying to be the mom I thought I was supposed to be instead of being the mom God made me to be to the children He gave me. I tried to help you become who I thought you should be, even when I knew I had no clue what the best for you really was. 

Too often, I just wanted you to be quiet and leave me alone. I wanted to read my book in peace, watch my tv show, or talk with a friend on the phone without interruption. Oh how I hated it when you interrupted “my time”.  I wanted to go out to restaurants and on trips like I did before I had kids. I wanted to do what I wanted even as I was tasked with taking care of you. 

And there are so many more things I am sure you can tell your friends or therapist about where I failed you. Because I did. I messed up, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes knowing full well the choice I was making. 

But here’s the thing I hope you remember too…

I love you fiercely. 

I want the absolute best for you, each of you as individuals apart from me and our family. I want your best whatever that is. 

I am sorry. 

I wish I never hurt you. I wish I made the right choices in all those places of my life that affected you. 

I pray that God is bigger than my sin, than my mistakes, than my parenting. And I know that He is. I know that He loves you so much more than I ever could, which is hard to fathom - since my love is to infinity plus 1. But He does. 

And I pray that you can see past your disappointments in me as you become an adult and even possibly a parent yourself and let them be the funny stories you tell each other about that time mom…. 

I love you!

Mom