So it has been a while since I last posted. I really feel like I have not had much to say. But I am thinking it has a lot less to do with not having anything to say and a lot more to do with my hermit habits.
I love the idea of writing down my thoughts and usually I love to share my thoughts with everyone as well. I have a habit of rambling on and on and have found this blog a helpful place to ramble without wearing out my husband or friends. But every so often, usually when I am feeling exposed or overwhelmed I go into hermit mode. I want to crawl under the covers and stay in my own house all day long. I want to climb back into my cave. That is where I am right now.
And yet, I want to keep this blog going because I know I will someday have something I really want to write. Actually there are a few things turning in my head, things that I probably need to write in order to process, and yet in hermit mode, I don't really want to expose myself to my friends who read this blog. Strangers - sure read my blog and my deepest thoughts. But people I know... I am not sure I am ready for you to know what I fear in life or what hurts me.
While thinking of writing, I hear the responses I think my friends would have. In the past I have found myself editing to the expectations of those around me, even without them ever knowing. But right now, in hermit mode, I cannot even begin to open up. Both because I am not sure what people would think but also because I am not sure I want to open myself up to other people's opinions. Interacting with the world means that I am open to criticism or suggestion. Spending time with people and sharing my life means that my heart can be hurt and my expectations shattered. Some days, some weeks, some months it is easier to withdraw.
But even when I don't feel like writing, I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me to sit down and write. I keep ignoring it lately. I find other things to do. Because if I sit down and actually write, I may let out more than I am comfortable. I may write something that a friend disagrees with. I may allow people I actually know more into my mind than they or I want. I don't mind not being perfect but I am not sure I want the people around me to know how seriously flawed I am. I really don't want to open the door to the possibility that I don't have it under control or know what I am doing. And most importantly I don't want to discover that normal, all that I ever wanted to be in life, really doesn't exist.
Look at that. I just wrote a whole blog post without having to actually dig into the meat of what is on my mind. I may be a rule follower but I am also good at avoidance techniques apparently.