Right now, I can't seem to grasp one word. At least not one word I want to focus on in 2012. Because right now, when I think of one word, when I ponder the idea and ask God for clarity, the only word I hear in my mind is - lost.
I feel lost right now. Not despair. Not dejected. Not confused or doubting. Just a bit lost. Like I am walking through a new village without a map. I can see visual markers that guide me, a church steeple, a red cross on a hospital sign, but I am not sure where I am going - what my destination is. I am missing the voice of my internal gps that tells me to turn right in 40 feet, the voice that tells me my destination is on the left.
I am not sure how I got lost. I think it sometimes just happens in life. We drive the same roads every day, take the same path to school drop off and the ice rink, and then one day our usual route is changed but road construction. We find ourselves on a detour, just a few blocks off our usual route, but we are in new territory. And if the signs are not set up exactly right, or we decide we know better and make a different turn to get back on track, we can find ourselves lost. Lost in our own neighborhood, looking around for clues to get back on our previously determined route.
That's me. I somehow found myself just a few blocks from home but still lost.
And so I look for the markers to find my way home.
I ask for direction. I pray. I ask my friends to pray for me.
I look at my map. I open my Bible. Not sure what I am looking for, I can't decide where to start. Should I read it all over again? Maybe just the gospels? The Psalms? I think about being lost. When was I last lost in the Bible?
I remember. I was rushing to finish the Bible in one year. I was behind and hurrying to catch up with my friends. I found myself reading through Isaiah and Jeremiah at warp speed. My eyes hitting the words but not really understanding what I was reading. My mind occasionally seeing something that confounded me, but I had no time to stop. No time to decipher its meaning.
But now that I am lost, maybe it is time to go back to Isaiah. Maybe by trying to understand it, I will find some answers. I order books. I open to Isaiah 1. I read the questions in my group study Bible. My mind goes to work. I check cross references. I remember things I have studied in the past. It is only day 1. I am still not sure what this book is all about. But I now know more about the time and circumstances in which it was written.
I am still lost but maybe soon I will be found.