Now though, these are simply errands. Goodwill items piled in the bathtub. Christmas decorations that need to find homes in our new place. Grocery store runs and school forms. Things that have to happen and usually during the quiet hours I have alone to write. And so I put them off until there is an emergency trip required for milk. I recently went into Target for the first time in over a month because I discovered that Amazon will deliver almost anything directly to my door.
And it's not just the housekeeping. Or the birthday planning. Or the make all the appointments and remember to get the kids' flu shots thing. I miss being someone. My own someone. My entire life revolves around my family and yet each of them has a part of their life completely separate. My husband goes to work. It's not easy I'm sure and I know it can be stressful and tiring but its his own. And when he lets me know he needs to travel or work late, I adjust my schedule. My kids go to school all day. They play sports with their friends. They go to other peoples houses. And I work around those schedules, organizing the calendars and driving and siblings.
I am thankful I got to be home with my kids when they were little. I am grateful I still get to be home because I cannot imagine the stress of trying to do it all. But sometimes...
Sometimes I wish it didn't all fall on me. Sometimes I wish I had a real excuse to drop the ball, to escape, to be my own person even at the expense of my family.
I am transitioning to a new phase of parenthood. The kids in school all day and what does that mean phase. And while most days I am really happy with my freedom to stay home and write, there is a small part of me that wants to go back to work so I can have an excuse to not be a full time on the scene parent. Because without a paycheck, without a place I have to be, I still very much feel like I am my family's beck and call girl. And I don't like how that feels today.
What part of being a parent is hardest for you this week?
I've been thinking about similar things lately. I want to do something significant. And important. I know that raising kids is both incredibly significant and important, but right now, in the midst of it, all I can see is the endless cleaning cereal off the floor, refereeing squabbles, and dirty, dirty surfaces. So I'm with ya.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if renting a space to write (outside the home) and keeping regular hours there would be helpful. It could be three or four hours a day in a shared space. You wouldn't really *have* to show up every day, but you wouldn't want to waste that rent money! :)
I actually have the space to write now that the kids are all in school I just can't get out of the day to day activities that take up so much of my time and that I don't like at all. Can't I just sit and write and let someone else do the household stuff? Ahh and there is where the paycheck would need to be. Someday. I'll keep dreaming and working.
DeleteForgot to add Sarah that I know a few writers through Twitter that do rent office space or have someplace outside of their homes to write and I think it definitely helps. Regular hours are tricky but I have gotten better about saying no to things, both fun and volunteering, to protect the writing time I do have.
DeleteI suppose I was thinking that if you were gone, out of the house for those hours then you wouldn't be available for house chores. Like that's not something you can handle anymore, cause you're not home in the mornings or whatever.
DeleteI am with you, friend. :) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYour post touched the heart of it! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI do have to make frequent trips to the library to pick up our books that we placed on hold after seeing them recommended on One Great Book. But the library doesn't feel like an errand.
DeleteI'm not a parent--but I do remember when Target (and Costco!) wasn't an errand but an activity!!
ReplyDeleteI've completely given up on Costco. We downsized to a two bedroom condo last spring so we really don't have the storage space but mostly I just don't want one more store on my to do list. I have books to read, like Wonderstruck.
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