I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the competition. I don't miss the anxiety. I don't miss the changing stories that seem aimed to pierce me.
I am not even sure I miss my mom. She is very much alive just in case that was confusing.
But I do miss having a mom.
I miss having a soft place to land. I miss having a cheerleader who is in my corner. I miss having someone to go Christmas shopping and out to lunch together. I miss having someone to call if all hell breaks loose, who will swoop in and help on a moments notice. I miss having someone to talk to who I know will give me wise advice but still love me when I go another way. I realize I may be missing something that is not real but only imagined after reading too many books and seeing too many holiday movies. But I still miss it.
I know that I am not alone. I know mothers and daughters often have challenging relationships.
But some of us have harmful ones. And there is a difference.
I do not feel safe with my mom. I do not feel that she loves me, just the idea of her daughter. I do not feel that she has my best in mind.
I don't like to air dirty laundry. And I hate speak badly about someone else. I wish I could write all this without mentioning her. But there is no way to couch this. To write vaguely enough because our moms are core to our being. Not that they have to be biological or even female, but we all need that person, the one person that has our back no matter what. And when you don't have that person, the loss is always there, sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a sharp pain, sometimes just a weakness you feel when you turn the wrong way.
And even if I am, I am sad today. I am missing having a mom today.
After I first posted this, ohhh the guilt set in. I should write all the good things about my mom too... except, I don't have a lot of those memories. Not that she wasn't a good mom but that my memories are tainted by all the rest of it. And the guilt remains. But this is honest and true for me today.
You can read more of our story and my disclaimer here (or click on the Blog Series button at the top of the page) and reading the posts listed under My Story.