Feelings hurt. And I don't like to hurt.
I don't like to have trouble breathing or feel a very real ache in my chest.
It would be easier to avoid these pains altogether.
Easier but not better.
At least that is what I hope, what I pray for, as I open myself up more and more to being truly connected to the people around me. As I let tears fall when sitting with a friend instead of changing the subject. As I try to find words to speak about the rejection I felt instead of just moving along through the evening with my husband. As I face the failure of shouting at my kids and losing my cool instead of justifying my frustration and anger as a result of their "bad" behavior.
I hope that this whole feeling thing is really better. Because the being stoic thing is easier. It hurts less. But it ends up with me alone in a room full of people.
And I don't think that is what God intends. Not when he made us in pairs - not when he brought my man into my life. Not when he gave me three boys that need me. Not when he gave me friends who I had requested in lonely prayers in new homes.
I don't like being overwhelmed by feelings. I don't like crying until my body aches. I don't like listening to the other side knowing I am partly to blame, that there is no easy answer.
I hold to the hope though that what is easier is not better.