Thursday, May 3, 2012

Feelings Hurt

Feelings hurt. And I don't like to hurt.

I don't like to have trouble breathing or feel a very real ache in my chest.

It would be easier to avoid these pains altogether.

Easier but not better.

At least that is what I hope, what I pray for, as I open myself up more and more to being truly connected to the people around me. As I let tears fall when sitting with a friend instead of changing the subject. As I try to find words to speak about the rejection I felt instead of just moving along through the evening with my husband. As I face the failure of shouting at my kids and losing my cool instead of justifying my frustration and anger as a result of their "bad" behavior.

I hope that this whole feeling thing is really better. Because the being stoic thing is easier. It hurts less.  But it ends up with me alone in a room full of people.

And I don't think that is what God intends. Not when he made us in pairs - not when he brought my man  into my life. Not when he gave me three boys that need me. Not when he gave me friends who I had requested in lonely prayers in new homes.

I don't like being overwhelmed by feelings. I don't like crying until my body aches. I don't like listening to the other side knowing I am partly to blame, that there is no easy answer.

I hold to the hope though that what is easier is not better.

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