So I'm angry at God... but I am also angry at myself.
I know better than to wallow. To sit in the pain or to play the victim. I know how to keep going. To put away the feelings and move on with life.
I know better. And so I am angry at all the time I have wasted being sad, lonely, angry, etc.
I know what works to get me out of the funk I am in but lately, okay being totally honest about a year or so, I have not wanted to do the things that work. I have wanted to wallow. I have wanted to watch Gilmore Girls for hours on end. To play on Twitter and get sucked into the world of Candy Crushing. To read and reread favorite novels. To avoid the work I know I am to do.
Except do I know better?
Those things that work for me... they may pull me out of the funk but is that really what's best?
See, the things I do, the going through the motions focused on the task at hand, and the conversations I avoid, chatting about the logistics and the safe things, they move me along. They get me refocused and back to productivity and living a life I see as valuable and good. They get me back to living and doing.
But is there value in the being... the being sad, being hurt, being angry.
I get angry with myself when I let my feelings get the best of me, when I lean into them and let them wash over me. It seems a waste of time, a fool's errand, unbelieving. But maybe that is where I need to be.
I am sure I need to do it better. No one person ever needs to see as many episodes of Real Housewives as I have seen this year. But maybe the wallowing needs to happen.
Because the truth is when I wallow I am actually being honest about what I am feeling.
I can't hide my pain when I wallow. The people around me notice. And ask about it.
So maybe there is value in letting the emotions wash over you.
Or maybe not. Maybe it is just an excuse for me to spend another hour or two or three trying to complete the next level of Candy Crush.