I was not a fan of 2013.
For me, it was a year of letting go of dreams, or at least of being disappointed that the dreams I had were not going to come true in the time and format I wanted.
2012... that was a great year. We bought a place in the town we loved in California. I finished my first novel. I was teaching again and getting lots of encouraging feedback. It felt like my year, our year. But it ended with disappointing news from my husband's company - news that derailed our 2013 and changed the course of our lives.
2013 came with rejections and unemployment checks. It started with so many scary unknowns and ended with being unknown. Not that it was all bad. But it was hard to live through. It was hard to say goodbye. It was hard being so discouraged about my writing. It was hard being new. It was hard feeling alone, feeling lost, feeling like a failure.
I want to be one of the hopeful ones, the ones that claim the new year will be positive, full of promise. And truth is that I am an optimist. I know that moving and creating a new life and new friendships takes time. I know that I am really am blessed beyond measure. But I get scared too. I worry that maybe this time it won't happen. Maybe this time will be different and not in a good way. I worry that maybe things are turning darker, that maybe I am growing more distant, more isolated, more alone. I worry that I used up all my energy to get here, that I don't have much positivity left.
Today though, I am going to hope on new things because the alternative is too much. I am not ready to give up being an optimist yet.
So 2014 I have high hopes for you. Or at least I have hope for you.
For what its worth Jennifer, I am very glad we met, that u moved here and I can call u my friend. And we are sisters in the Lord. Oxox
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle. I am glad I get to call you friend too. I know we are in a great place and that God has lead us here. But the getting here was hard.
DeleteWow Jen, had no idea what you were going through (you do great with your positivism); and can identify with so much! 2013 was a challenge for us as well, different reasons; but figuring God must have something special in store if he's needing us, this strong! Then I start to feel the fear, and must remind myself; His timeline and mine are much different! Our beloved dream home, is just too much of everything; and I pray for that perfect new owner to come along and cherish it, half as much as we have! New dreams have taken root, and I'm more then ready to move forward; but imagine before it's said and done, will have experienced every angst you've faced and overcome. Thanks for your honesty and lovely writing; so is that novel on the shelves yet? Best regards from Sherwood, Teacher
DeleteLeora
I know how you feel. I love how you can just say it without having to put on icing or make it more p.c. or "presentable". Beyond our blessings which we all know that we have, some days...months..years...can just be really hard. I think our kids need to know that sometimes, life takes time to get easier (if it ever does). Some issues never resolve themselves and it is only our attitude that will make it bearable. Plugging away through the muck with you "virtually" sister.
ReplyDelete