Monday, July 16, 2012

Do I Owe You An Explanation?

Today I posted on Twitter I wrote: 
The great thing about writing fiction is that because you are not writing the truth, you can actually tell the truth.
There are days when I have a thought - a true, real thought - that I want to explore. It starts as just a thought but with fiction, I can dig deeper, I can play the idea out and then try another ending. I am free to play with the idea, the thought, the feeling without having to hold myself to the facts or the people involved. 

This is one of those thoughts played out to one conclusion.


At some point in the near, or distant future, you will step back and wonder when it all went wrong, when the fabric unraveled, when our relationship fell apart. You may not be able to point back to a specific event, to the breaking point, because you never saw it. You may remembered the arguments, the long conversations where we each tried to understand each other. You may remember a sharp word or a misdeed. You may remember the coldness. 

But at some point that all changed though you can't say when. The fights stopped but so did the conversations about anything beyond the casual observations of life. The sharp tones gave way to no tone, an absence of feeling in the words. And the touches of love, the hugs, the words "I love you" became perfunctory and then stopped altogether. Leaving you to wish you could say when it all began. 

Except you don't know. You can't know because I never told you. I never told you about the day I decided I was done. I was done fighting. I was done trying to change you to meet my needs. I was done speaking and feeling like I'm not heard. I was done reaching out and making the effort. I was just done. 

It may have been a gradual decline, but that day, it was a decision. It was an event, a cataclysmic event, that went completely unnoticed except by me. 

I was tired of feeling hurt. I was tired of feeling angry. I was tired of feeling unwanted and unloved. I was tired. 

And so I decided to let it all go. I decided to stop trying because it didn't seem to help. I decided it hurt too much to keep trying. I decided I was done.

See that is the thing about being in relationship, being connected to another person. You may not know when the connection is lost. You may not have any say in it either. You may just find yourself wondering what changed and when and why you no longer are connected.

Do I owe you an explanation? Maybe. But did I already give you too many explanations? Did I already use too many words?

When is it time to stop talking? When is it time to be done?


  1. Wow, been there, done that.....or should I say doing but not wanting to be....

  2. Writing this, and feeling this, what I found amazing was that when I feel most done, grace appears. There are times when I just don't want to do any more work, I don't want to open my heart up any more, when I am just done. And then God's grace overwhelms. So grateful for Him protecting and carrying us in those moments.