In Monday's blog post, I explored an idea to one conclusion in a fictional world. I wrote it down because I think it will be an idea I want to use in a future book. I can see my characters in the piece but it is only one possible outcome. I followed one thread, the idea that relationship can be broken without the other person even knowing it. That life can continue, that two people can still be together, but that something was changed, gone, and that lost thing, that lost connection destroys the relationship.
The truth behind that story comes from multiple places. Pieces taken from different places in my own life and then imagined playing out in different ways in the fictional world.
I am sure all of us that are married have at one time or another thought the pain we are feeling in this moment is not worth the effort. I have recently tried to be more honest with my husband, to open myself up, to let him know what I want and need. I have felt a need to be more connected, more honest, more trusting, more attached, emotionally and spiritually - beyond the co-habitating and co-parenting and best friendship that we have. I have been self reliant my whole life, at least emotionally, a learned necessity from my childhood. But I have gotten hurt in the process. I have had tearful nights. And I don't like to hurt so I wonder if this is worth all the pain.
As a child, sister, friend, and mother, I know I have been done at different points in these relationships. In all honesty, I have two brothers, one of whom I have not spoken to in probably 8 years. There is no animosity there, just a lost connection that over time became a gulf and then an ocean of distance. I move a lot so most of my challenging friendships have been lost in a move but I have redefined the relationship in my own head and heart more than once. Usually as an act of grace, of allowing the other person to be the kind of friend they can be, not the kind of friend I need. But it is also an act of distrust, of not being willing to trust my friend with my heart.
Most recently, I was talking to someone I have known forever but have struggled with relating to my whole life. They made the comment recently, that they felt like they were suddenly losing everything (including me) and they hadn't expected it. They hadn't seen it coming. The truth was they had lost me four years ago but they hadn't realized it. It was sad for me to know that our relationship had changed so drastically, I had disconnected so profoundly in my mind, and yet this other person didn't even realize it. I was not surprised. The reason I had disconnected was because I, the independent, real me apart from this other person, was never really a part of the equation for them anyway. But honestly, it still hurt.
So my post Monday was rooted in truth but then played with in the safe world of imagination.
For me the fictional world is a safe place to let my mind, my heart, my soul experiment.