Patience, It's not just for Disneyland

Lately I have been having conversation after conversation with parents that all seem to focus on the shared struggle of how to provide the best for our kids. We all want our kids to be successful and when we hear they are struggling in any way we want to fix it. I want to pull out the tool kit and get to work on the problem.

Does he need to practice more? Does he need a break?

Does he need a tutor?

Why doesn't the teacher get it? Does the teacher get it?

Am I the problem?

Is the teacher, the coach, the adult telling me my kid is not enough the problem?

Is my child the problem?

There is so much stress involved in parenting, especially in this area where every possible resource is available to my kids. Enrichments, tutoring, coaching, specialists galore. And even more opinions on what my kid needs.

But here's the thing. My kid is not a summary of their weaknesses. They are not defined by their "problems". No my kids are children of God, knit together in their mother's womb, beautiful craftsmanship of a loving Father. And so are your children.

And the thing about being uniquely and wonderfully made is that my kid will not always fit into the mold. My kid will sometimes stand out. My kid will sometimes need more assistance. My kid may need some intervention.

But what I am learning is that more often than not what my kid needs is time. Time to learn. Time to mature. Time to figure things out. Time to hear my words, process them, and heed them.

Patience is a virtue. Not just in standing in lines at Disneyland.

Patience can solve so many of our problems. If we just gave them enough time to work themselves out.

But when it comes to our kids, and their problems, it is hard to let time work. It is hard to let time heal those wounds.

Oh but when I do, when I let the system run its course, when I let my child breathe and have space to grow, when I take a step back and focus not on the here and now but on the future, when I put down my tools and let my kids choose their own, growth happens.

I am constantly reevaluating the choices I make for my kids. Should Hockey Boy take more ice skating clinics? Should Middle Man spend more time working on socializing? Should I be teaching Little One to read? (Little One has explained to me that his kindergarten teacher is teaching him so I don't have to.)

Maybe what I should be evaluating is am I being patient enough to let my kids grow strong roots and sturdy trunks, ones that don't need me to forever stake them to the ground so they don't fall over.

Do you struggle with when to intervene?

15 Years

Fifteen years ago today two kids dressed in their finest showed up to a stone house overlooking the Willamette River. It was raining that day so the photographer had them stand together under the covering along the front walkway setting up just the right shot, the one that would sit on their mantel for years to come. On the Ides of March, these two kids made promises to one another in front of their friends and families.

We had no idea what our pledges really meant, what our vows would require of us.

I was talking to my husband the other day about how much life has changed in these 15 years. When we were first married I was still finishing grad school before starting my teaching career. We were challenged in our early years of marriage by chronic fatigue, an all consuming job, and infertility. We moved and moved again. We got pregnant with Hockey Boy and then promptly moved overseas. We moved back again. Our first child was born and I became a mother which changed my whole life and my whole identity. I was now a stay at home mom. We moved back overseas and became pregnant with Middle Man. We moved home again.

I now had two kids 15 months apart. We settled down. We bought a family home two blocks from the high school. I don't remember a lot from those early years. Might be a side effect of the sleep deprivation. Slowly life felt manageable. We went to Disneyland with our little boys and had fun. And then we had Little One. Three kids less than four years apart top to bottom rocked our world.

And then we moved... again. And my husband's job became all consuming... again. It was hard on our marriage. We drifted apart because neither of us had anything left over at the end of our day to give to the other person. Eventually this became untenable.

My husband found a new job back "home" in Oregon and we moved back into our family home, putting the furniture where it had been before. Falling back into our life so easily. The kids grew and one fall day they all were in school, if only a few hours a week for Little One. I was deepening friendships and finding my own place in the world. A place not defined by my relationship to my kids or my husband. Life was good.

But God called... again. And we moved... again. Back to where we were in the Bay Area before. The place that had almost taken us down. And it was scary to consider. Would things be different this time?

I have had my moments of insecurity, of uncertainty. I have gotten lost a bit along the way. But that is me, not this place. This time though we are in it together. And that has made all the difference.

I look back at 15 years and am amazed at all that has changed in my life. I was talking to my husband about this the other day and he said something that really surprised me. While I have experienced a ton of change, for him, life really hasn't changed that much. For 15 years, he has gone to an office, done his work, and then come home to his family. Locations may change but his life really hasn't changed that much. Work then home. While my life, my identity, have changed so drastically in these 15 years. From being a first year teacher, to a first time mom, to a mom of three boys, to a mom of school age kids, my role, my world, has changed every couple of years. I have had to rediscover myself with each of these events.

So for me 15 years feels like a long time when you look back over the timeline of our marriage. And while it hasn't always been easy or pretty, I have taken this journey with the best man I know. And we have had a lot of fun and a lot of joy along the way.

If I had to do it all over again, I would choose him again and again and again.

God gave me the greatest gift of my life when my husband first knocked on the door of my apartment looking to borrow something from my roommate.

Thanks for all the escorts to the 7/11, for all the long conversations, the travels. Thanks for the hard work you do every day to take care of your family. Thanks for your encouragement to become whatever God has called me to do. Thanks for loving me as I am. Thanks for listening and caring about what I have to say.

I am looking forward to the next 65 years to come!

Fight or Flight

I have been quiet lately. Not just here but in other places in my life. I have been sick. I have been tired. I am a wee bit stressed by the impending move and the weight of home ownership again. But mostly, I have been quiet because I am not ready to share. I'm not even sure I will have anything to share, but right now my mind is bogged down by flickering thoughts and feelings that I am trying to untangle.

Amidst all of this, I have remembered that I am flight. As in, when faced with danger, when facing conflict, my fight or flight response is to fly.

I distract.

I avoid.

I detach.

I shut down.

I cut off.

And the scariest part is that when I do this with relationships, the other person may never know except for that weird awkward feeling they may have that something is off.

In truth, I may not realize how far down the path I am until I look back and realize I am no longer attached emotionally to the other person.

Flight keeps me out of battle. It keeps me from yelling or using hurtful words. But I am beginning to wonder if it does just as much harm.

And so I will choose to fight with the people I love. I will choose to speak, to say what I'm thinking or feeling. I will choose to stay in the room even when my body is itching to walk away.

I will try at least.

Are you fight? Or flight?

The Archives - Letter to My Alumni Magazine

It has been fun reading through the archives to see if there are some nuggets I can share again. I am a graduate of Biola University, a place I still love dearly. But every so often when I read the alumni magazine I feel a little bit left out.

Here is what I considered sending to the Biola Alumni office in 2009 but decided to just post it on my blog instead.

*****

Dear Alumni Magazine, 

I very much enjoy reading about the triumphs of my classmates and all the other generations of successful people to come out of this fine institution. But I have a small suggestion. How about including the hundreds of parents who are using their education for a higher calling, being stay at home parents. I know it is not as sexy as CEO of some Fortune 500 company or a producer of a blockbuster movie, but since this is a Christian university it would make sense that a large number of your alumni have taken some time out of their careers to stay home with their kids. I know I would love to know how other people are using their education in their home workplace. 

For me I know that my theology classes have helped me answer some of the tough questions like why is the sky blue? My history classes have helped me explain the Fourth of July and the first Thanksgiving Day dinner. My Advanced Bowling class has gained me much respect from my sons as I dominate our Wii bowling nights. I developed strong critical thinking skills in my philosophy classes and history major classes and I can explain both sides of a political debate to my kids in their language though I am not sure my explanation that one candidate wants to use his words to solve problems while the other thinks it is okay to fight really is unbiased. I understand the importance of quarters though now they are not used for laundry but for allowances and chores. And spending all those hours in the dorms building relationships helped me learn the importance of friendships, some I hold close to me even now. My first phone call in a time of need often is to a fellow alumnus who lives across the country but is still one of my dearest advisors.  

So while some may say that I have not been using my education, I would argue that I am using the whole of my college experience. And my kids are the better for it. Oh and in case you are wondering why the sky is blue the answer that works for my 4 year old is simply because God made it that way.