Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Saying Yes

I had a moment today when I had to just laugh as I watched the hand of God moving in my life. This may sound sort of cryptic because the details don't really matter, but today something happened that I know was in the works from God's perspective for a while. I don't normally see God's hand moving the cards around the table of my life. It is usually not until after I am through a situation that I can look back and see where God's hand was touching and carrying my life. But the last few weeks, I have had a sense of God's guidance in a way that would totally make sense but still caught me off guard and made me grin.

I am not sure how far back this particular series of events started. Possibly when I realized that moving back home would allow me to get more involved with the ministries of our church. I had attended a very big church in the Bay Area and was also a newbie to them, so I did not really get to participate in the things I do here. It was kind of nice to sit on the sidelines and enjoy being fed for a while. But I knew also that was just a season and I missed feeling productive outside of my family. So when I knew I was moving home, I felt like I needed to say yes, yes to leading a small group, or helping out with special events. Just yes to whatever was needed, well, within reason, because I am still hiding from the lady that runs the church nursery.

So I said yes, which brought me onto the team that leads the mom's group at our church. Which later brought me to saying yes when they asked me to speak for a few minutes about our ministry in front of the entire church. I cannot remember if I blogged about it or if the overwhelming anxiety I felt kept me from being able to process much once I got off the stage. I have no problem talking in front of the women at Bible Study or our Mom's group, but there was something absolutely terrifying about being in front of the whole church. Something I did not expect at all. I had felt actually pretty okay about the whole thing, until I got up on the stage with the microphone in hand and almost burst into tears from the stress that took over my entire body.

Being on that ministry team put me in a room a couple of weeks ago where we were asked for prayer requests for ourselves. And in that moment I knew where I needed these ladies to prayers. It was something I felt really uncomfortable saying out loud. I hated how it sounded because I have issues, deep seeded insecurities and mistrusts, but I knew it was where God wanted me to be opening my life to Him. So I asked them to pray. I am pretty sure that I was vague enough that they did not know what I was talking about, but they prayed, and God knew that I was saying yes to Him.

In the weeks since, the Bible study we are doing with the women at church has been challenging me and also strengthening me. Reminding me that God has not only a purpose and plan for my life, but also that I am uniquely equipped for the task He has for me. And even more importantly that God is going before me, that He will provide the wisdom, the power, the strength for whatever job lies before me.

Which is a good thing because I know I am supposed to say yes to God. Sometimes the yes is easy because what I am asked to do is part of who I am. For me teaching is a passion and a joy for me. That is an easy yes for me. There are some harder yeses. Some times saying yes means opening myself up to criticism or debate. Some times saying yes has me spending time with people I would not choose on my own. Some times saying yes brings up all the ugly voices in my head from years past. The voices that I avoid saying the words I fear might be true.

I have a policy of saying yes early for the job I want to do. This has served me well volunteering at church and at school. It also has allowed me to bring the brownies which are so easy to make instead of hard stuff like appetizers or veggie plates. I step up early for the jobs I like. This keeps me from having to say yes to the things that are hard or scary.

But these past few months, I have seen God working in my life. I am not sure the end result of all of this, but I think I may have to say yes to some things that are both scary and hard. I feel it coming. I have a feeling whenever that happens, I will have to smile at all God has done to get me to that point. Because for some reason, this time, He let me see His process.

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