Last week I wrote a blog post that basically vented some of my pent up frustration after spending a little too much time with someone who I know I will never make happy. I tried to be funny, which ended up being sarcastic and at one point I wrote, "I am thinking there is more posts on this theme to come as my brain processes the disappointment that I am." So here it is.
I have to say that at times I am a disappointment. I am often not a good mother, yelling too much, letting them watch too much tv and ignoring the teaching moments because I just don't want to today. I am often a selfish wife keeping a score card of who does more and how much he "owes" me. I am often a lazy housekeeper who will walk past that pile of dirty socks on the stairs so I can go upstairs and lie in bed and read my book. And I really do enjoy sleep too much.
I am a slacker at times. Part of this is because I have decided what my priorities and values are and if the world's rushing, scheduled, over achieving plans don't fit my priorities than I am perfectly comfortable slacking off on those. I cannot do it all.
I am bound to disappoint though even when I am trying. I know this about myself. I know I am a disappointment. The world, my kids, the other moms, the Today Show all tell me I am doing it wrong. Which I guess is why it is so hard when I hear it in someone else's tone of voice or harsh words. Someone who should be my champion, someone who should be a mentor, a comforter, a cheerleader. Someone who should want me to succeed because my success creates amazing kids which is all both of us want.
I am sort of going through life a bit on my own, without any strong mother figures in my life. I don't have a mom I can call in the middle of the night when I am scared, or a mother in law that I can ask for help when I need it. I don't have any older family members I can trust to love me, care for me and guide me. I don't have a shoulder to cry on and share how horrible I am feeling about my parenting skills, someone to say, "I know. I have been there. It is hard. You're doing great. I love you." I don't have someone to ask advice from who will share, without judgement, what they have tried, what they learned, where they failed.
I know I am a disappointment. I know that I am not perfect. None of us are. We are all disappointments at time. I just really wish I had someone to come alongside me, pick me up and say it is going to be okay. I want a champion. I know that Jesus is my eternal champion, who has stood up for me and picked me up, but unfortunately He is sort of the strong, silent type. He meets my real needs, but sometimes I want my human, heart pained needs met with words of comfort from an actual person who will make me feel better about myself.
I guess what I am saying is I want a Mommy!
And that is my disappointment.